I’ve been meeting with a Stephens Minister from church; she gave me a book “hannahs hope”. I want to read it but don’t have the will yet.

Also, about a week ago, I swore I was pregnant. I would’ve bet $500 on it. I was late, I was acting strange and couldn’t think straight, I wanted to eat weird things. There was a blissful two week period.

But I wasn’t pregnant. Between that and the fact that a second adoption is going to be expensive, I’ve not felt myself. I sent some emails today at work that were not my style. I didn’t get in big trouble, but my boss asked what was wrong. I am just so numb – normally, I’d cry and be upset. I can’t even cry. I just said ”I’ve been upset about not getting pregnant and the finances for a second adoption.” He told me to go home and do something to make myself feel better. So here I am, blogging.

I’ve also started meeting with a Stephens Minister from church, and I hope that will help, to be able to talk to someone about it. I’ve never felt despondent or lost the way I have been the past few weeks. Even though next week at work is going to be crazy, I am very excited to have the longer hours to keep my mind off of things. I love my son. I love my husband. I have great family and friends. It just makes me sad when I think of trying to get Joshua a younger sibling, just what a big, uphill, tough battle it seems to be.

However, it’s a broken world, and there will probably be struggling couples in church on Sunday. I pray for everyone who chooses adoption, treatment, or to be childless, that you can still be mothers & fathers, and make a difference to kids around you. I hope you celebrate those around you that’ve mothered you and you make it through the day.

As time has gone on, I realize more & more how relatively quick & free of drama our son’s adoption was. His biological mother wanted a closed adoption, and we just send her best friend photos of him. (which I need to give her an update ). No one contested; and so I thought all adoptions were as easy as ours. It is hard as we think about adopting a second time and it’s made us a little wary of everything that can go wrong.

We know that God is in charge of everything, but this wariness is tempered with our age. When I hit 33 earlier this month, my first thought was “wow, a lot of countries won’t let you adopt babies after you’re 35″. I feel the press of time and this sense of urgency, especially if we go through an adoption that doesn’t go as planned and we have to start all over.

pray for my friend dealing in this contested adoption.

titles:

Extremely loud & incredibly close
Water for Elephants
The Book Thief
pillars of the earth & world without end

worst(but yet most hilaious movie):
twilight.

I’m out !

Donald and I have felt kind of lonely; a lot of our friends had moved away, and Donald’s work schedule prevents us from participating in a lot of things. I am very very hopeful for his job interview tomorrow- it’s a job at the same company with better hours and more opportunity for advancement.

So, the title if this post is Joshy’s personality. Well, tonight we took Josh to a separate house that was hosting childcare for our small group. Donald and I were worried that Josh would be upset when we left. As we were trying to sneak out, he waved at us saying loudly ‘bye!! bye!!’. and then kept playing.

Later at the study, one of the other dads said Josh was a very sweet boy, that he just ran right up to him and gave him a big hug.

What a great kid. we’re so lucky he’s ours.

We are still picking a new Church – there was a baptist church we liked but it wasn’t quite the right fit. We’re visiting Olathe Bible Church and have been enjoying the sermons there. We have been watching for diversity (as I’ve mentioned before since we’re adopting children of color) and Olathe Bible Church had a few African-American families. It is just strange to think as we imagine our family what it’s going to look like. Some folks hadn’t realized Josh was adopted, I just hope when we adopt again and if our child is of color again I want my kids to not be the only kids of color at church or school.

The only one in the world that gets my feelings and thoughts is my husband. The last 6 years…it seems like a blur and a trip through a desert. Two years of marriage, then that ‘let’s stop birth control and try to get pregnant.’ I remember we were actively trying to get pregnant in 05 when I started with my current company. I remember sharing with someone in the same group of new hires when she asked when we were having kids–the dreaded question. I shared a little bit of what we were going through, and we didn’t talk about it very much after that.

Fast forward to 2008 when I brought our baby into work for a visit. That same co-worker told my son “you are so loved, they waited a long time for you”. Wow; I had put our conversation in the back of my mind, just another ‘when are you having kids’ hurtful question that I had to endure.

The reason I’m telling this small story is that my life is full of these hurtful and sweet moments that are all tied together by red string. If you imagine the moments like photos tied to this string, and you twist the string one way or another, it looks like a sad and terrible life, or it looks hopeful and amazing.

When Donald and I got married, pastor bill told us “in your vows, you will hear ‘health’, ‘richer’, ‘forever’, ‘happiness’ But, you’re promising for the sickness, poor, dragging through when you don’t think you’re going to make it another moment. I had no idea what those vows meant, but I find myself reflecting back on them when life is tough. It makes the memories and promises sweeter. I married a man I had known less than a year, but I knew his character and his heart were true and could be trusted. If someone told me on our wedding day “you will be tested by money troubles, depression, family issues, death, infertility, health problems” and countless other issues that we haven’t seen yet. I still would have promised forever, because I trusted the God who put us together and that man in the tux waiting for me at the end of the aisle. I knew there was the strength of a lion partnered with a smart and gentle soul, I bet my life on it.

Watching ‘the Jane Austen book club’ last night with Donald hit a nerve. There is a marriage in the movie that’s in trouble. Well, at the end of the movie, the screenwriter demonstrated the couple was back together and happy by showing her very pregnant belly. Now, natural progression, you see it in movies and books all the time. Marriage & pregnancy and children.

Now if you look in on the movie or book of our life, there is no natural progression. There will be 9 years of marriage in January 2010. In these 9 years there’s been no mansion, no pregnant belly, no worry free lives. I had our house painted bright green in rebellion against being a normal house, normal family, predictable easiness.

You may look in at the end of the movie; she was thinking riches, health, happiness – in many ways she got the exact opposite of what she signed up for. You would expect to see a family nearly torn apart, nails scratched to the quick from climbing out of the darkness, from sliding down the rocky sides of dissapointment.

The darkness of our infertility is snuffed out by the glowing face of our Joshua. The longsuffering trials of our marriage are dull compared to being married to my best friend. You may look at us, odds against us surviving, but you don’t know God, and you don’t know us.

Tilt the images just a little to the left, & there’s the happiness, joy, & forever we promised. Even in the darkness & anguish, it’s there, even if it doesn’t look like what you thought it was supposed to be.

We are currently enjoying Joshua very much. It is fun to watch him develop into his own person and see his likes and dislikes. He is in the middle of learning the art of the full blown temper tantrum – head banging, feet kicking and all. I’ve found the best thing to do is to either ignore him but it’s better to distract him into doing something else. We’re working on a solid night time routine – bath, playtime, putting away toys, reading a book, then bed time. Last night we tried this and used a lot of songs and it worked very well – this was a great suggestion by Aunt Julie. His vocabulary is slowly expanding, he is definitely making a lot of new noises and trying out new songs, but a lot of it I cannot figure out what he’s talking about. He loves to point and say in a sing-song voice ‘Aa-oo’ which could mean ‘look at that’ or ‘I want that’ or ‘I’m sick of this.’

We can understand clearly a few words. Josh says “hi”  “bye-bye”  “Mama”  “dada”  “dog”  and some things that I can’t quite pick out that sound like “huh” or “argh.” He likes to feed Luna her food every morning and night; he’ll go to the pantry, fill up a little plastic cup one handful at a time, then carry it over to her bowl. If we let him, he would do this all day long, but we stop it when she’s had enough food in her bowl.