On the Edge of a Cliff and Ready to Fly

order of events
I may not be blogging for a while until something changes, my blog is depressing myself.

1. I get a higher paying job
2. Hubby get a steady job
3. We get ourselves a house (probably move to Olathe, KS)
4. Decide if we want to adopt international, domestic, foster care.
5. Take the appropriate classes.
6. Fill out paperwork
7. Pray a lot
8. pray some more

OR, someone could put a baby on our doorstep. C’mon! Email me, I’ll give you my address.

I hate having to count time in between my periods, and hoping every month that I’m pregnant.

My husband is working on getting another job, so hopefully that can lead to us buying a larger house. Then, we can start filling out home studies and work on the adoption process.

I am just tired of waiting and nothing happening, but it’s just seems like all these “things” have to be in order before we can proceed with the next step.

So, things are on hold, just plugging along until the new job for my husband shows up. Then, if we aren’t pregnant by then, I’m am sure we’ll begin all the applications full force.

Still haven’t decided what method of adoption: I’m enjoying reading others’ blogs to see what their experiences have been like. I know none of them are easy, and I don’t really know what I’m getting into until we’re in the middle of it.

It’s 1:22am here, so I will keep this short. I had a rough time driving home from work tonight. I periodically look on the foster care website to see what children in Kansas are up for adoption, and I looked at that site earlier this afternoon. It breaks my heart that there are kids that want parents and are looking for a “forever family.” It also just really upsets me that there are foster parents that have to jump through so many hoops, and deal with false accusations (check out Dad’s Highway). It just doesn’t seem fair, kids are waiting for parents, parents are waiting for kids…why does it seem like this impossible task? All I think about is how much it costs, how much training you have to go through, how much paperwork, photos…I guess it comes down to trust and money. We are in a lot of student loan debt, and I’m mad, I just feel like we’ll never make enough to pay off our debt, get ahead, and have enough left over to afford an adoption. I don’t know where to even start. My husband wants to keep trying to conceive, but how long do you let this go on? Three years is a long stinking time. Do we just say “well, we can’t afford to adopt, so forget it?” I guess my husband and I need to sit down and have another talk, and I guess I’m mad it’s not easy, it’s not a surprise. “Oh, look honey, two lines, we’re going to have a baby.” It’s buying a certain house, saving up money, filling out paperwork, talking to lawyers and agencies and being DELIBERATE about everything. I’m praying if there are kids out there that are meant to be with us that God will open those doors wide. I feel very, very disheartened and angry. I feel as if since we don’t have very much extra money every month that we aren’t going to be able to have children because we can’t afford it. I want to direct my energies at something, towards something, towards getting something accomplished. That’s why I want a new house. A new house with room for children, so we can photograph the house, put this in a home study, which may someday allow us to adopt children. Why are we working so hard to pay off debt? so when some social worker looks at our finances they can see that we have enough to adopt a child.
I guess my heart feels torn between what I want and my pocketbook, and I feel sick that what I’m worrying about is being able to have a child.

So much for a short post. goodnight.

I am out of fertility testing sticks…they are expensive as all get-out, so I’m skipping them for a while. I’m just holding out and not worrying about it until my appointment on May 30th. How long does one go down this road before you say “enough is enough? I’m done with this fertility business.” I guess I am more interested in how folks foster adopt or adopt their children. I listen when people tell me their birthing stories, but I REALLY enjoy hearing how God orchestrates adoptions. I feel as if it’s such a scary, difficult, worthwhile process that isn’t for the faint-hearted. I still remember the gal from church saying “adoption is great for some people, but you need to realize nothing is the same as birthing your own child.” Now, I understand where she is coming from: what she was trying to express is that women shouldn’t adopt just expecting that it takes away from the grief of not being able to birth your own child. I know there is and will be things to mourn: baby showers, gifts, going to the hospital and bringing a new baby home…sharing in the common birth story that most women get to experience. However, it seems there is a lot to be said for taking a baby out of a bad situation, or giving parents to an orphan, or giving up some part of “normal procedure” so a child can have a good home. We have a crib in our basement, and I think sometimes “Will I even get to use that crib?” Because in our state, the current waiting list for foster adoptive kids is 6 and older, not a lot of babies for placement. If we bring a ten year old into our lives, that will throw us into another category of parents (ie, we could have birthed this child when we were 19!). It’s a family joke that my husband looks exactly like his mother when he wears his glasses a certain way. If we are unable to have our own children, that will be something we’ll miss out on. Our children will not look like us. Family members and friends that we’ve shared this with have said they will love our adopted kids the same. I feel this unspoken tension “However, that’s only after you do everything medically possible to birth your own children.” I don’t know if it’s society or what– adoption only comes after years of misfires. However, I have always felt that if we can’t birth a child I want to skip right to adoption. I have wanted to skip a lot of doctor’s appointments and this medical leave and all this junk. However, I guess I have to go through with it to make sure I don’t have any kind of serious medical condition. I just don’t know when that point is…when do you finally say “I’m out! I’m done! Enough of this fertility treatment stuff….” I was ready to quit the fertility treatment before I started. I feel as if May 30th is the departure day from which all this begins. I wish it was over already. It will be good to have our friends stay with us the weekend after, even if it is only a whirlwind visit.