On the Edge of a Cliff and Ready to Fly

I have been thinking all week about this. Do I need fancy face cleaners from Dermalogica? The reason I buy them is because I get acne fairly easily. I hate acne. I’ve tried Mary Kay, Neutrogena, Avon, prescription medication….none work as well as this stuff. On average, however, in layman’s terms the stuff is about $30 bucks a bottle. You’ve got your cleaner, your mask, a toner, moisturizer, foundation. Now, foundation is part of skin care. It protects and provides sunblock. The foundation I bought is J.Iradale. It’s $40 a container. Should last 6-8 months. I figured all this out…rationalized all this down to a dollar a day.

Now. I love my gym. It’s a women’s gym. I’ve been going nearly every day for the passed 3 weeks. Have only lost a few pounds. Do I stop going to the gym because of money? Do I stubbornly keep going?

I try to work overtime whenever I can. I am unable to make our budget work on our own. I am meeting with someone on Saturday at 4pm, well, I should say we, my husband is going with me.

I wonder why I bother with this blog. I probably spit in the face of what a Christian Woman is supposed to be like. I feel pulled in one direction, and pulled in another. I’m supposed to be a good steward of my body, but I can’t afford the gym, skin care, all this stuff that I have put down in the need category, that most people look at as wants.

I am going to give these things up because I must, but I am very, very angry.

I am downstairs, in the basement, sitting in front of my computer tackling stacks and stacks of bills. This drives me nuts. Whenever life is very difficult (ie my father is deathly ill) I can more easily turn to God. I know that I’ve got no where else to go. However, when the mundane things…bills….money problems….overeating issues….these things seem to pull me away from God. I think that I’m in charge and I should be able to just fix these things.

Where does my responsibility end? Where do I need to step up and where do I need to just let God take over? He is Sovereign, yet I am still supposed to live in such a way that honors Him, and not just float by letting things happen.

I have been in a foul mood for about a month. I am hoping I wake up and realize how important Jesus is and get my priorities straight.

My wonderful husband is being so kind as to add some artwork to my site to make it more personal. Also, I am planning on posting some type of podcast of my piano playing and song writing. Also, some sites are in the works for artwork as well.

I feel as if I’ve shoved myself full forward into the computer age!

I really enjoy Jamie’s posts on her blog…. she has this wonderful quote on the end of all her emails as well…

The Bible calls debt a curse and children a blessing. But in our culture, we apply for a curse and reject blessings. Something is wrong with this picture. — Doug Phillips

As Donald and I struggle with infertility, the issue of children has been even more poignant. In our society as a whole, we want to be in control of when we have kids and when we don’t have kids. I really think the article in Christianity Today about birth control that Jamie references in right on……

Can’t wait to see her and her family next week!

I find myself happiest when I am being an artist. my job is a Spanish Translator for Farmers Insurance. However, I have been so tickled this week by painting my kitchen and painting a mural in the bathroom of ivy. I miss working in theatre….I miss being a stage manager and staying up all night building imaginary houses.

We are going to visit my good friend Jamie and her family for Thanksgiving. They have four kids, all young, so that should be a lot of fun! Other friends of ours just had a baby girl on Saturday, so even though we haven’t been able to have kids yet, there are lots of kids around us we can ’share.’ Sometimes I really want to move back to Illinois to be closer to my college friends. Sometimes I can’t bear the thought of leaving my church and my friends here. We will have to see….I know there is a Farmer’s office in Aurora, illinois, and so I’m partially hoping that my job makes the decision for me.

Good day/weekend painting the house. Will write more later.

Why is it that girls always use suicide attempts to gain attention? To cry out? Why do we feel so desperate that we think the only way to live is to threaten to end our own lives? What is it that makes us act so?

It’s like watching someone drown and you have no idea how to swim. You want to hit them because they put themselves in the water, without a life-jacket, in the middle of winter. They make half-hearted attempts to get back to shore, then decide it’s best to just slowly die out in the middle of the water.

There is something wrong here when one makes plans to end their own life. Why did she send an email warning us about it? What kept her from just doing it, even though the stool, the noose, everything was ready. She worries about how her room mate will react to knowing how she was in the mental hospital. How would her room mate react to someone’s body hanging from a pillar in the garage?

I am struck by a morbid curiousity. Where did she look up how to tie a noose? How to hang oneself? Once she stepped off the stool, would she regret it? Air hunger is an awful, awful thing. Her body, her mind, her soul would fight against death. Cold, dark, alone. What would her cat do? Would he know what was going on?

What is it about girls that cry out so? Have I been a bad friend by not paying attention? Why didn’t I see this coming?

All the furniture in the mental hospital has rounded edges. I couldn’t give her a spiral notebook. No artwork anywhere. Bare. A living room with a bunch of crazy people sitting around tables.

I am going to re-read the Snake Pit.

God is sovereign above all else. He’s in control of my weight, my feelings, my actions.

A prayer I prayed while I was engaged. (A Christian lay minister wrote it, but I can’t remember the name):

Lord, let me be willing to take what You give, lack what You withold, suffer what You inflict, be what You require.

It’s such a simple prayer, but it lays down everything we feel in this life. I wonder if people look at me and wonder what is going on.

My nightmares of tornadoes, trash & mice. The songs I sing while I play piano. This blog. I am trying to express what is going on in my soul….and I know that God is good. He also scares me, because I know He will do whatever it takes to keep me in His hands.

When the mighty Mississippi rolls
There’s no way to tie her down
Devours acres leaves them bare
Again you’ll never see them whole

Tempted her in ‘93
to swallow me in flood
I swam her waves and dared her so
To wash me down and fill my lungs

she swallowed corn and roads alike
Animals would not survive
but she let me swim as if it were calm
though other death pressed all around

merciful she was to me as i swam further and further away from shore fighting the current and fighting myself, knowning she was at her highest tide
I swam in the winter water that melted from Wisconsin,
I was friends with Huck Finn
Raftless, friendless she did not kill me
And I could scarcely hold her in.

Dream of all the rain that falls
gutters leaking at barn’s edge
pony’s halters left on nails
gone starved cold
their smell is still here hair hoof prints
I search among hay around corners
hoping I will see my horses
whole brushed happy
tears or rainwater pound
I chastise my father as child he is
I was studying spanish verbs death of a salesman
while gone my poor ponies
starved in the barn