Yesterday and the day before have been a challenge.
Josh has started this new scream. Those of you that have heard Josh cry know how loud and extended his cry is. Well, the little one has kicked it up a notch by wailing in a very high pitched, blood curdling yell. He has also taken to throwing a fit - pitching himself backwards and throwing himself on the floor if I tell him know or try to take something away from him that isn’t safe. Just a moment ago I took away the computer cord and he jumped up and down and whined - luckily this time he didn’t pitch himself on the floor as a fit.
Yesterday was especially rough because nothing seemed to help. If I held him, he threw a fit, pitched back, and even hit his head twice on the floor in the midst of his fit. If I left him alone for a minute to go to the restroom, he would pull out his blood curdling high pitched wail. Finally, at 8pm last night, after dealing with this from 5:00 - 8:00, Josh and I sat on the couch and cried together. Donald came home at 10:30p or so when Josh had finally started to sleep in his crib. Josh woke up at 11pm, with another blood curdling wail, but Donald brought him into the bed and he slept with us the rest of the night until 7am this morning. This is the first time in a long time he’s slept the whole night with us in our bed. Usually when he’s grumpy, we can hold him for a while and lay him in his crib, but I didn’t want to risk listening to his superpowered wailing anymore. Yesterday was one of the worst days as a mommy ever, I just wanted to run away and not come back.
We think he might be grumpy because of his teeth, so I stocked up on tylenol, ibuprofen, orajel, and another teether. I’m going to track and see if making sure he has medicine at regular intervals helps us out today.
Donald and his brother, Drew, talk about Halloween all the time.
Every time Donald comes home from spending time with his brother, he’s come up with some new theme that Joshua and Jaxon (Drew’s son) can dress up for Halloween. Most of them are Star Wars Themed.
What are the ideas I’ve heard so far? I’ve heard so many my head is swimming. Yoda, C3-PO, the Hulk, Ewoks….. They have been hatching up schemes since Joshua was 2 days old. Halloween is two months away.
I suggested that we dress up Joshua like a pumpkin. What was Donald’s response? “No. It’s his first Halloween.” Donald has been asking me when Children’s Orchard is having their costume sale. Good gravy.
Donald wants to make Joshua a Star Wars themed room. I was hoping Donald would carry the Truck/Train/Airplane theme, but apparently I have been outvoted. Donald, ever since we were dating, told me he wanted to be a daddy. He has always wanted kids, even more than I did. So, I am not going to tell Donald no. I understand he’s been dreaming of his son carrying on his Star Wars fandom (or obsession??), and I am going to be happy for him and let him do it.
When we have a girl, though, her room is going to be decorated in My Little Ponies and Breyer Horses. End of story.
Found out this week we were not chosen by the birth mom in Nebraska.
Sometimes I wonder if I should blog about these things, but I think it makes me feel better; in some way, knowing there are others out there that have gone through the same thing.
I was looking last night at the website of kids awating adoption in foster care. Most are older kids - older than we have been married - which would seem a little strange. Looking at their biographies and looking at their pictures, I kept thinking, “Wow, they’re waiting, too.” I had a weird feeling, and the only way I can describe it is looking through a “Alice in Wonderland” type looking glass. There are these children, sitting and waiting, dreaming about their parents, wondering when their parents are going to come get them. And I am sitting here waiting, feeling down, looking at my computer, wondering and waiting when our child is going to be given to us. We’re all feeling lost and scared, not sure when this is going to be over, not sure when or how the rest of the family is going to show up.
And then, in the middle of all this, I was thinking “wow, There are a lot of kids on this website that need homes.” I mean, this is only the state of Kansas, but I probably scrolled through 50 kids awaiting adoption, and that wasn’t even 1/3 of the number available on the site. Kids who are up for adoption due to difficult circumstances. Kids who have been through a lot. Kids who are waiting, wondering, hoping.
It made me realize that though this is difficult, we must keep plugging and keep going no matter how much it hurts. Though we may not adopt an older child right now, that is a possibility for the future. There are orphans out there waiting for homes, waiting for parents, that aren’t in control of even a little of their circumstances. Even though I get mad and feel like I’m waiting forever, there are lots of great kids waiting even longer in foster care for their parents. That is who I’m doing this for - I feel like my children are waiting on a website somewhere for me to cross through the looking glass, and I am waiting on the other side. We know the other is out there, but we can’t see them yet, we have our faces and our palms pressed against the glass, fogging it up, waiting for a glimpse or a shimmer of hope that someday we’ll be able to see through it.
My mother unexpectedly passed away on June 11, 2007 so I will be away from blogging for a while.
I took a nap today (which was a big mistake) because right now I’m up looking at adoption blogs while I should be sleeping!
Ever since we started on this crazy adoption - moving - shopping for houses merry go round it’s been hard to make it to church. Say a little prayer for us!
I have a friend that I’m really worried about. I have left multiple messages with no return call. The one time I’ve seen her since March has been when I stopped un-announced at her home.
Note to all my friends: Call me back! If you don’t like me and don’t want to be my friend, tell me!
I don’t take hints very well. I’m going to keep leaving messages. Next step is writing notes. Next step is another surprise visit to make sure you’re still alive.
On last night’s news I heard about someone who was trying to sell a child on ebay or on the internet. Anyone heard about that story? Know anything about it?
I am NOT looking to purchase a child on ebay. Just wondering about the story or if I had not heard correctly.
Just wanted to report I’ve lost 11 pounds.
That is all.
I have been thinking all week about this. Do I need fancy face cleaners from Dermalogica? The reason I buy them is because I get acne fairly easily. I hate acne. I’ve tried Mary Kay, Neutrogena, Avon, prescription medication….none work as well as this stuff. On average, however, in layman’s terms the stuff is about $30 bucks a bottle. You’ve got your cleaner, your mask, a toner, moisturizer, foundation. Now, foundation is part of skin care. It protects and provides sunblock. The foundation I bought is J.Iradale. It’s $40 a container. Should last 6-8 months. I figured all this out…rationalized all this down to a dollar a day.
Now. I love my gym. It’s a women’s gym. I’ve been going nearly every day for the passed 3 weeks. Have only lost a few pounds. Do I stop going to the gym because of money? Do I stubbornly keep going?
I try to work overtime whenever I can. I am unable to make our budget work on our own. I am meeting with someone on Saturday at 4pm, well, I should say we, my husband is going with me.
I wonder why I bother with this blog. I probably spit in the face of what a Christian Woman is supposed to be like. I feel pulled in one direction, and pulled in another. I’m supposed to be a good steward of my body, but I can’t afford the gym, skin care, all this stuff that I have put down in the need category, that most people look at as wants.
I am going to give these things up because I must, but I am very, very angry.
I am downstairs, in the basement, sitting in front of my computer tackling stacks and stacks of bills. This drives me nuts. Whenever life is very difficult (ie my father is deathly ill) I can more easily turn to God. I know that I’ve got no where else to go. However, when the mundane things…bills….money problems….overeating issues….these things seem to pull me away from God. I think that I’m in charge and I should be able to just fix these things.
Where does my responsibility end? Where do I need to step up and where do I need to just let God take over? He is Sovereign, yet I am still supposed to live in such a way that honors Him, and not just float by letting things happen.
I have been in a foul mood for about a month. I am hoping I wake up and realize how important Jesus is and get my priorities straight.
« Previous Entries
