On the Edge of a Cliff and Ready to Fly

Tonight was our first small group with members of our new church, Olathe Bible. Everyone was very nice and next week will be the luncheon where we learn more about the Church and if we want to join. I think that we will, unless something strange comes up. Big churches are great- there is usually always childcare for events and lots of activities. However, it’s easy to get ‘lost’ in a big church, so it’s important to get connected in a smaller group to meet others.

Donald and I have felt kind of lonely; a lot of our friends had moved away, and Donald’s work schedule prevents us from participating in a lot of things. I am very very hopeful for his job interview tomorrow- it’s a job at the same company with better hours and more opportunity for advancement.

So, the title if this post is Joshy’s personality. Well, tonight we took Josh to a separate house that was hosting childcare for our small group. Donald and I were worried that Josh would be upset when we left. As we were trying to sneak out, he waved at us saying loudly ‘bye!! bye!!’. and then kept playing.

Later at the study, one of the other dads said Josh was a very sweet boy, that he just ran right up to him and gave him a big hug.

What a great kid. we’re so lucky he’s ours.

Eileen Huffman passed away on December 1st. Donald and I babysat their kids quite a bit when we were first married. Take a while to read the most recent posts on the site; Scott loved his wife very much. I hope as Donald and I grow old and face these challenges that we can rely on Christ as much as they did.

We are still picking a new Church – there was a baptist church we liked but it wasn’t quite the right fit. We’re visiting Olathe Bible Church and have been enjoying the sermons there. We have been watching for diversity (as I’ve mentioned before since we’re adopting children of color) and Olathe Bible Church had a few African-American families. It is just strange to think as we imagine our family what it’s going to look like. Some folks hadn’t realized Josh was adopted, I just hope when we adopt again and if our child is of color again I want my kids to not be the only kids of color at church or school.

There are things I think of & thoughts I have that I wonder if it’s appropriate or not to share. Friends and family read this blog, and I worry about being offensive. However, I am amazed by how infertility is such a mind £€%+ that I have to share my honest and unfiltered thoughts and opinions.

The only one in the world that gets my feelings and thoughts is my husband. The last 6 years…it seems like a blur and a trip through a desert. Two years of marriage, then that ‘let’s stop birth control and try to get pregnant.’ I remember we were actively trying to get pregnant in 05 when I started with my current company. I remember sharing with someone in the same group of new hires when she asked when we were having kids–the dreaded question. I shared a little bit of what we were going through, and we didn’t talk about it very much after that.

Fast forward to 2008 when I brought our baby into work for a visit. That same co-worker told my son “you are so loved, they waited a long time for you”. Wow; I had put our conversation in the back of my mind, just another ‘when are you having kids’ hurtful question that I had to endure.

The reason I’m telling this small story is that my life is full of these hurtful and sweet moments that are all tied together by red string. If you imagine the moments like photos tied to this string, and you twist the string one way or another, it looks like a sad and terrible life, or it looks hopeful and amazing.

When Donald and I got married, pastor bill told us “in your vows, you will hear ‘health’, ‘richer’, ‘forever’, ‘happiness’ But, you’re promising for the sickness, poor, dragging through when you don’t think you’re going to make it another moment. I had no idea what those vows meant, but I find myself reflecting back on them when life is tough. It makes the memories and promises sweeter. I married a man I had known less than a year, but I knew his character and his heart were true and could be trusted. If someone told me on our wedding day “you will be tested by money troubles, depression, family issues, death, infertility, health problems” and countless other issues that we haven’t seen yet. I still would have promised forever, because I trusted the God who put us together and that man in the tux waiting for me at the end of the aisle. I knew there was the strength of a lion partnered with a smart and gentle soul, I bet my life on it.

Watching ‘the Jane Austen book club’ last night with Donald hit a nerve. There is a marriage in the movie that’s in trouble. Well, at the end of the movie, the screenwriter demonstrated the couple was back together and happy by showing her very pregnant belly. Now, natural progression, you see it in movies and books all the time. Marriage & pregnancy and children.

Now if you look in on the movie or book of our life, there is no natural progression. There will be 9 years of marriage in January 2010. In these 9 years there’s been no mansion, no pregnant belly, no worry free lives. I had our house painted bright green in rebellion against being a normal house, normal family, predictable easiness.

You may look in at the end of the movie; she was thinking riches, health, happiness – in many ways she got the exact opposite of what she signed up for. You would expect to see a family nearly torn apart, nails scratched to the quick from climbing out of the darkness, from sliding down the rocky sides of dissapointment.

The darkness of our infertility is snuffed out by the glowing face of our Joshua. The longsuffering trials of our marriage are dull compared to being married to my best friend. You may look at us, odds against us surviving, but you don’t know God, and you don’t know us.

Tilt the images just a little to the left, & there’s the happiness, joy, & forever we promised. Even in the darkness & anguish, it’s there, even if it doesn’t look like what you thought it was supposed to be.

Since Wed things have been difficult. I have had the most excruciating pain in my back; yesterday it was starting to feel better then today at church we left early because my legs and feet were going numb.

We felt badly because this was the first time to Gardner Fellowship Bible Church (a church plant of Olathe Bible Church). We walked out early due to my back pain and we were worried folks would think we were offended by something and left. We actually liked it quite a bit and will be going back next week.

I have been hurting so much I am impatient and worn out. The chiropractor I saw today thinks I may have a herniated disc, which worries me. I need to call my doctor and my regular chiropractor tomorrow to find out what I need to do next. The chiropractor today just said to ice it but it’s not even helping anymore. I’m worried by the numbness in my legs and feet.

Being in pain and impatient has made me think about Jesus-he was beaten and hung on the cross yet never sinned. And I’ve been sinning, impatient, and tired.

Sunday Joshua gets baptized at our new church, which is really exciting. I didn’t realize all the family that is coming into town; my aunt and uncle MIGHT be able to come, but they won’t know until the last minute. I’m putting together a brunch for everyone to have after the baptism (an idea I stole from Heather and Gretchen – they did brunches after their kids’ baptisms, I thought it was a cool idea…) It’s just been rough getting unpacked and getting the house clean. My mother in law is going to stay with us one day this week and she offered to watch Joshua so Donald can do some unpacking. Everything we do in the house needs to be scheduled!

Donald had a “date” to watch Joshua on Saturday so I could get up early and scrub the basement floor! I thought the stains were from our cats that had been making messes, so I scrubbed the whole floor, on my hands and knees, with a brush. Well, after I got it scrubbed, I realized the spots aren’t from the cats (as they’ve been out of our house about 5 days) but the basement is leaking! It’s a slow leak that I think is coming from the outdoor faucet and pooling through the wall. It’s gross looking, and I’m very upset about it. It was just the last straw. When we moved into our new house it was filthy, so we’ve been slowly trying to get it all cleaned up. The previous owners left TONS of junk that we had to pay to have hauled away, and the lawn was about 3 foot tall, so we had to hire someone to mow it for $60. We paid the prior owners rent until our mortgage closed, and we overpaid them for 2 days, and now they won’t return our realtor’s calls to repay us the 2 days rent! It was very nice of the prior owners to let us move in while we were dealing with our mortgage fiasco, but this whole experience has been so upsetting. I’ve had to pray a lot because I feel like I am just so mad about the whole house situation instead of being grateful, which is something I need to work on. It is a great house, and we have a great kid and a great marriage, but all these dumb house things with the old owners hit me this week when I realized the basement was leaking. And, it’s a slow leak, which typically isn’t covered by insurance – insurance typically covers pipe bursting and the like. So, that’s where I am. A house full of boxes that I never seem to have time to unpack, a leaky basement, and a lot of family coming into town this weekend. Wish me luck !

That reminds me….What in the world did I DO all day before being a parent? I am barely able to keep up on the dishes and laundry, but I feel MORE productive than I did before Joshua. I just think I was in a daze of depression from infertility or I just didn’t have very good time management skills because we had a lot of free time. I remember doing nothing when I got home from work but play video games. Now every night I’m feeding, changing, playing with Joshua, trying to take care of Luna, work on bills, put in some dishes or some laundry, and fit in some blogging on the side. I am running all day long, and I am so worn out! What did I DO all the time before we had him?!?!

So often Donald and I would see a movie spontaneously, or go out to eat, or just decide to shop for something (mostly some gadget at Best Buy). We had a lot of extra money and could do as we pleased without really planning anything. I loved just being with Donald, but after a while it got boring and kind of sad to be the only couple without kids.

You end up feeling alone and out of it, because everyone else you know has kids, and talks about their kids and what is going on with them. You grow apart from people because it just hurts to much to put yourself in situations with people with kids, so you lose friends. So, being childless had its good points and bad points, and it just hit me today how we’re in a new era in our lives. We had to redo our will and pick guardians for Joshua if something happens to us. We also need to redo our budget to save money for our next adoption. We’re thinking of ways to get coupons and save money for diapers and formula, and we’ve practically BEGGED everyone we know at work for hand-me-downs! We are those annoying people that won’t stop talking about their child and have 500 photos of him up at work. If I would have talked to myself a couple years ago, I would have driven myself nuts!

**We still haven’t gotten Joshua’s birth certificate! That is the final piece of the puzzle, to finally have it with Donald and mine’s names on it!

Work has been a little frustrating lately. It’s a pretty competitive place, and my team isn’t doing as well as they should. So, I need to determine what the issues are and fix them. It’s strange when you supervisor people and their results: you can’t DO the work for them, but if you have to teach them, coach them, and mentor them to do the work. Quite a different experience.

Tomorrow I’m going out to lunch with my mentor, someone who is a working mom whose supervised longer than I have. It will be nice to pick her brain on how she manages her family and work life. Tomorrow is FRIDAY! I can’t believe how fast this week has gone.

Went to Illinois this past weekend…Joshua met his Aunt Julie, his Uncle John, his Great Aunt Joann and Great Uncle Skip, and my cousins. It’s all on the Flickr pages….of course, they all thought he was adorable! Joshua did great for such a long car ride there and back. It was kinda rough on mom, though. I don’t think I’m going to drive that far with a baby by myself!

In the Lutheran Church we’ve been attending the small group coordinator called me to see if I’d like to arrange a small group of parents of young children…I agreed to do it. I think it will be good for us to be involved in a group again. We had to bow out of the small group at Grace just because the Infertility trial was so difficult…I think it’s time we got back into a small group!

Luna’s still been sick. Stressful trying to take care of her and try to unpack, etc. Didn’t get as much done while Josh’s aunt Delaina was babysitting, but I did get some books unpacked. Donald agreed to take Luna to the vet in the morning, so that is a big help. I just feel overwhelmed. I guess on Friday at 3pm our house closing will actually take place…so that will be nice to be official.

Please pray for us about finding a church home. It’s a tough decision, because you want to find a church that “feels” and “looks” right, but then you need to find a church that has sound Christian teaching. I want our children to love the Lord and to love His Word. I want our kids to know that when everything is falling apart that Jesus is the only one you can depend on. If a church doesn’t have the fundamentals, nothing else matters. Please pray we’d make a wise decision. There are a lot of choices in the Kansas City area and it feels a bit overwhelming. We like the Lutheran church we’ve visited, but I think I’d like to visit a few more. We’re going to adopt children of color, so I would like to find a church with some diversity…wish us luck (and pray for us!) on all fronts!