Having a difficult time – as Joshua reached 2, I’ve really wanted a second child. It seems so unfair that having kids is so easy for others.
I’ve been meeting with a Stephens Minister from church; she gave me a book “hannahs hope”. I want to read it but don’t have the will yet.
I haven’t blogged in a long, long time. Mostly, I’ve been happy and busy being a working mom. Since our son turned two, I’ve really had the urge to adopt again. However, I feel depressed and upset when I think about the cost. The cost didn’t bother me as much the first time around…so I guess it must be the fact that I’ve seen how much it takes to not only adopt a child but the money involved to raise a child. Our first agency was fine, but they don’t have very good follow up. I’ve emailed the social worker twice to update our home study, and I don’t even get an email back, so I’m done. The other agencies we would like to use don’t have fees of $8000 like our first agency, they’re $15000. It just makes me nuts.
Also, about a week ago, I swore I was pregnant. I would’ve bet $500 on it. I was late, I was acting strange and couldn’t think straight, I wanted to eat weird things. There was a blissful two week period.
But I wasn’t pregnant. Between that and the fact that a second adoption is going to be expensive, I’ve not felt myself. I sent some emails today at work that were not my style. I didn’t get in big trouble, but my boss asked what was wrong. I am just so numb – normally, I’d cry and be upset. I can’t even cry. I just said ”I’ve been upset about not getting pregnant and the finances for a second adoption.” He told me to go home and do something to make myself feel better. So here I am, blogging.
I’ve also started meeting with a Stephens Minister from church, and I hope that will help, to be able to talk to someone about it. I’ve never felt despondent or lost the way I have been the past few weeks. Even though next week at work is going to be crazy, I am very excited to have the longer hours to keep my mind off of things. I love my son. I love my husband. I have great family and friends. It just makes me sad when I think of trying to get Joshua a younger sibling, just what a big, uphill, tough battle it seems to be.
Random stories:
1. Hubby and I went to the post office together to mail off our FBI background check request and fingerprints for our homestudy. The social worker specifically told us to write “adoption” in big, red letters on the outside of the envelope. When we did this, the dark red ink smeared. Hubby commented, “It looks like we wrote adoption in our own blood! Was that part of the deal, to write it in blood?”
2. I had a good session with my counselor a couple weeks ago, since lately dealing with this has been very, very rough. Every month we go through the roller coaster of hoping, wishing, and finally disappointment. I have come to face the fact that we will not be able to get pregnant. We have been trying for 4 years, and you have to be realistic and stop hoping sometime. I don’t want to sound cruel or cynical, but for pete’s sakes, half of what I talked to my counselor about was the stuff people say to me that makes me nuts. “Oh, when you adopt, you’ll get pregnant” or “You shouldn’t feel bad or grieve that you haven’t gotten pregnant, because you haven’t been told for sure that you can’t.” I don’t even know what to say to those comments. I want to talk about ADOPTION. I am done talking about getting pregnant, trying to get pregnant, ideas for how to get pregnant, or fertility centers. When my counselor and I were talking, I think she expressed it well. She said “You can’t live in this place where there are ‘what ifs’, you’ve moved on and are ready to embrace adoption, but it feels like no one else around you is ready for it. They aren’t ready for YOU to give up, so they keep bringing it up. You’ve moved on to adoption, and other people aren’t following you. They think they’re telling you what you want to hear, they think they’re giving you hope, but they don’t understand they’re dragging you backwards to a place you don’t want to be.” That’s exactly what it feels like, I’ve moved on and other people aren’t ready to move on, they’re holding onto hope that I gave up on. I keep talking about adopting, our homestudy process, and people keep bringing up pregnancy, or the hope that I’ll get pregnant, or the fact I might get pregnant, but I am done with that. Ask me about ADOPTION, because that’s what we’re dealing with. 4 years is a long time to not get pregnant when you’ve been tracking your cycles. Even though I haven’t been told for sure why, I think we qualify as belonging to the Infertility Club, I think 4 years gives me the right to move on, so please, move on with me.
3. My hubby, whom I love more dearly than ever, said to me the other night, “Hey honey, the roller coaster is starting. Put your hands up. WEEEEE!” I couldn’t stop laughing at him and the way he said it, and the way he dramatically flew his hands up over his head. I find it suiting that I hate roller coasters in real life as much as I hate the proverbial infertility roller coaster. Yuck.
I know you know exactly what I’m feeling. You understand those 3 weeks in the middle of the month, when you’re waiting? You try not to think about it, you try not to count the days, you try not to count the months out. You spend all your energy trying not to think about it, because you know you’re going to be disappointed in, oh, give or take, 2 weeks.
I was listining to Car Talk the other day, and they talked about this funny car selling advertisement a listener had come across. The advertisement was this: [I don't remember the exact vehicle, but here goes]: “1996 Plymouth Voyager for sale. I would rather drive a railroad spike through my face than drive this car for another month.”
You know what I’m talking about. I don’t have to say another word. I’m sorry that you have had to go through this, or are going through this. It hurts, but you know exactly how I’m feeling, when most people don’t. You completely understand how we’d like to take that 1996 Plymouth voyager, pitch it off the side of a cliff, and then set it on fire with some industrial strength fireworks.
You pick out the fireworks, sisters, and I’ll bring plenty of matches.
*BOOM!*
Well, another month has come and gone. I am planning on calling the adoption attorney sometime next week. I keep putting it off because I think to myself “maybe I’m pregnant!” So I wait, thinking I am, and then get disappointed. I want off the roller coaster!
I didn’t realize how depressed I’ve been about not being able to get pregnant, yes, I’ve gained a lot of weight, been lethargic, not wanting to do anything…but I feel better knowing someday, after a lot of paperwork and commitment, we can do this adoption thing. More later!
Registered my husband and I for a 5k Run (I will be walking) that benefits orphans in Ethiopia. After the run, the adoption group is meeting from church. It will be a day of learning about orphans!
I have been walking at 5am most mornings with a friend, last week it was only 1 day due to the rain. This coming week we should be purchasing a used treadmill.
I haven’t weighed myself lately, I really don’t want to see it! I am just praying that God would take away this desire to eat whenever I’m depressed or anxious.
My husband might be playing basketball tonight w/ the men’s group. We have our budget to work on. Yesterday I did a bunch of laundry and paid bills. When did becoming an adult be so boring?
This is getting harder and harder to keep plugging away when month after month there is this roller coster of anticipation, a couple weeks of waiting, and then disappointment. We’ve tried all sorts of crazy “home methods” and “old wives tales,” and we’ll continue to do so. Nothing else to do while we’re waiting to move into a bigger house, as we’ve decided we’re not going to start filling out paperwork until we’ve moved. I have being so happy and hoping and then so disappointed. I just wish I could turn my emotions off or I wish I could be told that we’re infertile, but there is nothing wrong, nothing to fix. It’s just waiting, and when we get tired of waiting and nothing has happened, it’s moving on to the next step.
jeez….how much of this kid stuff is just waiting? plugging along with normal life, then waiting….forging ahead a little more and waiting some more.
Things are on hold until we get moved to a bigger home closer to our jobs. Monday my hubby and I start our new jobs….we’ll get to car pool together! We’ll get to see each other so much we’ll get sick of one another!!
I’m so excited and nervous. I can see growth and some things are “crossed off the list.” I guess I’m impatient and wish the rest of it could get crossed off!
I gained some weight this week. BLAH. Friend of my husband is selling us his treadmill, I can’t wait for that. How awesome would it be to use the treadmill while watching tv?
Monday I start walking with a friend every day at 5am. I am praying for lots of days of good weather….it makes exercise so much easier to do it with a friend rather than alone!
Well, it’s another month gone. Oh well. I’m upset, but not terribly upset. I just am tired of waiting, but I know it’s a process and it takes a while to move toward this. I know God’s timing is perfect, and I am comforted that God does have scriptures that discuss infertility.
I am glad that we are moving towards a goal. Though we are not filling out adoption papers yet, we have one thing out of the way.
I have a promotion, and my hubby has a full time job.
Next step, we need a bigger home for children with a yard. We are moving towards getting our home ready to sell and then we will purchase a larger home, possibly this spring. Then, we can begin to fill out home studies and pursue adoption.
Now, whether we will pursue adoption through Foster Care, international, or domestic, I am really not sure.
Honestly, I am leaning towards domestic or international. I am not sure if adopting through Foster Care is something I want to do, but I am continuing to pray about that. I am praying God will turn my heart, open and close doors, and lead us in the way He wants us to go. I am praying that He makes it clear to us, and we listen to Him.
I hate having to count time in between my periods, and hoping every month that I’m pregnant.
My husband is working on getting another job, so hopefully that can lead to us buying a larger house. Then, we can start filling out home studies and work on the adoption process.
I am just tired of waiting and nothing happening, but it’s just seems like all these “things” have to be in order before we can proceed with the next step.
So, things are on hold, just plugging along until the new job for my husband shows up. Then, if we aren’t pregnant by then, I’m am sure we’ll begin all the applications full force.
Still haven’t decided what method of adoption: I’m enjoying reading others’ blogs to see what their experiences have been like. I know none of them are easy, and I don’t really know what I’m getting into until we’re in the middle of it.