Sometimes the infertility monster comes out and still hurts…sometimes I wonder if Donald and I were able to have a biological child what that child would have looked like. Sometimes I think back to when we were first married and we would talk about the kids we would have some day, wondering if the children would look more than me or Donald.
These feelings of sadness are shortlived and fleeting. I am so glad the time period between 04 - 07 is over; that waiting and being depressed and feeling guilty about infertility was terrible. I am also glad, though, that our social worker warned us that even after we adopted the infertility monster would come back and haunt us. It’s more the fact that we’re different, than the fact we can’t have biological children. I threw down our American Baby magazine in disgust because there was a huge article on “Which one of you will your baby look like?” and how to pick which genes might be carried down. Yes, that is the way most people have babies, is by getting pregnant. But I hate when it’s always assumed that’s how you have your family. I guess it’s good that not everyone is infertile, I just wish there was more sensitivity.
It’s National Adoption Awareness Month, so our Diversity Club put up a bulletin board in our largest breakroom about me, Donald and Joshua. I am very tickled by it - there are some photos of Joshua’s birthday, his “Gotcha” day, and a write up I did on our adoption story.
It struck me, though, thinking about the Diversity Club doing a bulletin board on adoption. The purpose of the Diversity Club is to educate and promote differences in the work place. I guess it just hit me that we are a different and a diverse family. It started hitting me as I looked back on Josh’s birthday photos. I wasn’t in a hospital gown, tired after just giving birth, like every other new mom photo.
Our new parent photos are Donald and I in chairs in the NICU unit, I am wearing a bright orange shirt and makeup so Josh could see me more clearly. The first time we saw Josh was after he was all cleaned up and in a diaper. We don’t have any sonograms (or 3-D sonograms!!) like some moms have in their scrapbooks. Josh has brown eyes, Donald and I both have blue. Josh was born with olivey skin and dark slightly curly hair, Donald and I were both very, very blonde when we were little. I didn’t buy maternity clothes, or have that panicked “Oh my gosh the pregnancy test is positive!” call to my husband.
What do we have?
On April 4, 2008, we got an email from our social worker that said simply, “Call me! I have good news!” Donald called her, spoke to her for about 45 minutes, then called me at work to tell me we’d be chosen to adopt a baby boy set to be induced April 16, 08. I got off the phone and hollared around at work to ANYONE around me that we were getting a baby! In 12 days, we converted our guest room to a nursery, bought clothes and bottles, figured out how FMLA worked, and had a family shower and a work shower. On April 18, 2008, when we were leaving the hospital, Donald was in the backseat with Josh, and I was driving. Donald burst into tears and said, “I just can’t believe it, I just love him so much.” That’s the way it’s been, since that first night we took turns staying up all night with him, we knew he was ours because there was no one else. The nurses & our family gave us advice, but he was our responsibility, our child, our Joshua, and we loved him from the moment we saw him. Whenever I look at photos of him, or when I play with him or dance with him, I love him more.
This is so silly. Donald talks about the Three Amigos movie a lot (plus Donald is a huge Steve Martin fan). Well, the movie came on Friday night, and during the song “My little buttercup” Joshua was SQUEAKING and LAUGHING and JUMPING UP AND DOWN! It was hilarious! All I could say to Donald was, “He’s your kid!” It’s just funny little things like that, even though he doesn’t look like us, sometimes he’ll do things that I know God is telling us he’s our baby.
Since becoming a “working mom,” my life certainly has changed. I have a mentor at work, M., with whom I go to lunch 1 a month to talk about work and home life things. She is in a good place to mentor me because she is the main breadwinner of her family as well and she’s worked on balancing home and life.
Since Joshua, work isn’t as consuming for me as it was. I think I threw myself into work a lot more to keep my mind off of the infertility battle. It actually turned out to be a good thing, because I worked my way up to make enough so we could afford to adopt and raise our family. My life used to be either 1) Working, 2) Studying for some exam for work 3) Doing some type of extra activity for work to add to my resume. Now, I am trying to get things back into balance, and put more home into my life. Having a baby and having to pay for babysitting doesn’t lend itself well to working lots of extra hours. I’ve had to really prioritize what is important and I’ve said “no” to a lot of activities and committees that I normally would have jumped on. I am just focusing on the Bilingual Committee and Toastmasters at work, in addition to getting my team to where they need to be.
I’ve started a new routine. Mornings are so hectic trying to get Joshua up and ready to go to his uncle’s (or just get him ready for the day), so I’ve started showering every night rather than in the morning. We are not eating out as much (due to cost and it’s actually more inconvenient sometimes with a little one) so I am doing a lot of the cooking. Every weekend I pick a meal (last week it was dirty rice, this week it was meatloaf and mashed taters) and I put it into individual containers and freeze. It’s something I did occasionally before Joshua, but now it is a must. I don’t have time to cook during the week. I come home (sometimes carrying a baby, diaper bag, purse, & laptop bag), tired already from a long day, trying to get Joshua fed, there is just no way that I have time to cook dinner.
Additionally, Donald and I each take turns being a “single parent” it feels like. The one time I usually have Donald here to help watch Josh while I cook is Saturday mornings, so I have Donald watch Joshua while I get up early Saturday and get things cooked and the kitchen cleaned afterwards. I’ve done this for about a month, and it’s working well. I understand now why parents of young children really crave schedules and don’t want to go out of town as much. If my only time to prep food is Saturday morning, it’s such a pain to reschedule that to do something else! Isn’t that strange?
If I have to do something different one weekend, it can throw the whole schedule off.
Found out today that my WORK LAPTOP has been SHIPPED! I am so excited, you have no idea. One of my friend’s from work keeps teasing me, saying that I DON’T want a laptop, as that means I’ll be forced to be salaried and not get overtime and work from home! Oh well. I am just very excited, as this has been my first grown up job, and my first job that I’ve been really successful at.
They haven’t made the official announcement that we’re in the Claims Leadership Development group, but I believe the official notice should be sent out by the end of the week or next week. They have to wait until everyone in a particular “class” (this class size being 9) passes their interviews and tests, and once everyone passes everything they send out a group email that the class has begun for Claims Leadership Development. Highly exciting!
The rough emotional personal part is that I just keep thinking how unfair it is that we haven’t had kids yet. Now, I am trying to work on not becoming a bitter and angry basket case. I am also trying not to count the number of pregnant women I see walk by me every day. My husband said something encouraging to me today, he said “Not everyone makes as much money as we do to be able to adopt. I think God is showing us something in this.”
I have sat here for a few moments and thought about it. A couple years ago my husband and I were in a lot of debt, hardly making ends meet, and we talked with someone who worked with us on Crown Financial principles. I just was looking at our financial situation and thinking “There is no way we can afford to adopt. There is no way, we don’t even make enough to support ourselves.” I prayed, and prayed, wondering how we would get enough money to adopt. I put it out of my mind for awhile and just kept plugging at my job.
Well, what God has done is given me three promotions in 18 months. My salary quadrupled from what it was 4 years ago. We have great benefits and the possibility of hubby having 3 days off a week to be home with a baby. Where a couple years ago I was discouraged and thought it was impossible I see where doors have been opened. Life isn’t fair sometimes, and I may always be sad about not being able to get pregnant and have a child, but I would never have thought we would be able to earn enough to adopt. Honestly, we don’t NEED all this extra income. God has been gracious in giving it to us so we can feel more able to adopt.
I am not saying you must be SUPER rich to adopt, because that is a misnomer, but it helps to have extra income and not feel so strapped. It helps so much to know what we’re working so hard for; there are kids that need homes, and that is where our money is going towards, giving these kids a home.
Okay, I know it’s August, but I feel like posting about my husband.
We will be married 7 years January 6, 2008. I can’t even believe it, it’s gone by really fast. I was thinking of everything we’ve been through together….Our pastor always said when you take your wedding vows you think “Better…Richer…Health” but you promise the “Worse…Poorer….Sickness.” There are things we’ve been through that I wouldn’t ever have expected. However, through all of it, my husband’s true character has shone through.
He is a jem. I know it hurts him a lot that we haven’t been able to get pregnant, there is something in him that really wants to be a dad and have a baby. He doesn’t verbalize it a lot, but I know it hurts. Me? It hurts, but I just want a child, it doesn’t hurt nearly as much when I’m filling out adoption paperwork. I’m actually sort of relieved to not have to go through pregnancy and childbirth. Now, my hubby is all for adopting. But I think there is a part of him that hurts very deeply to think that maybe we won’t ever be able to give birth to our children. Has he ever blamed me? No. Has he ever pushed me to do infertility treatments I don’t want to do? Never. Has he been a rock when I’ve been a mess? Absolutely.
I think the “Infertility Club” is something you don’t understand till you’ve been there. Before we tried to have children, I looked at couples that had trouble having kids, and I felt badly for them, but I really didn’t understand. It’s a roller coaster, it doesn’t seem fair, and every young girl that buries her baby in the backyard with the help of her mom just eats at you. Every kid you hear of that’s killed, left in a car in the heat, or suffers from unspeakably stupid and neglectful acts makes you so angry!
My husband always says “drop them off at our doorstep” when he hears people complain about their children. He understands exactly how I feel when something about an abused or murdered child comes on the news. He is smart, good looking, sweet, kind, and he has shown himself to be wonderful, compassionate, and Godly even in the midst of such terrible pain. I guess I want to know that something good has come out of not being able to have children. The thing I see now is that I married the most wonderful man in the whole world. In the midst of pain and adversity you can really see the character of a person. My husband has been positive, supportive, and wonderful, even though I know it hurts him very deeply. He has always loved kids, and I knew from the moment I met him he wanted to be a dad.
Honey, you’re going to be a great dad. Hang in there. I love you.
I know it’s the weekend, and the adoption lawyer wasn’t in, so I went ahead and emailed her! I have been anxious all weekend, thinking about kids and babies….My husband told me that he was dreaming about babies last night as well. He dreamt that someone from work told him that they knew several moms that needed to give up their babies. I think it’s been weighing heavily on our hearts and minds, especially around the holiday season.
I feel so much better doing something rather than just waiting. I blog because I want to talk to other women (and hubbies) who have been there, from all over. I don’t feel so alone, and when I hear about moms and their kiddos it gives me hope to keep going and keep plugging away at this big mountain.
Isn’t it strange, how weeks will go by, and you won’t feel anxious and depressed about infertility, but sometimes it’s like this unbearable weight that all you can think about? This week has felt like a ton of bricks. I hate it.
Someone near my cubicle at work is pregnant, so sometimes I hear all my coworkers asking her questions “when are you due, how are you feeling?” etc. I’m happy for people that are expecting, and I pray everything goes well, but I just can’t be around pregnant people (which has always been hard at my church…since it’s so large, there is always someone or multiple people I know that are pregnant).
Also, whenever groups of women get together, they, naturally, want to talk about children, childbirth, and they compare notes about who had the worst labor, the worst morning sickness, and how busy they are with their children. I just have to walk away from the discussion. I feel like Bridget Jones sometimes, in that scene where she is the only single person in a group of married people, and they look at her as if she is such a weirdo for not being married. I guess we all go through periods in our lives where we feel odd, left out, going through life at a little different pace than everyone else.
A co-worker didn’t realize I was married, and she asked me how long I have been married. I answered “6 years in January.” Then comes the inevitable question “So, are you guys not going to have kids or you don’t want to have kids?” When she asked, it didn’t hurt as much as it normally does when people ask me that question. I just said, happily and proudly, “No, we’re going to adopt!” Then, she said something I thought was so cute. She’s on my team, and all of us speak Spanish in our job. She said “You should adopt a little Mexican baby, there are so many in orphanages, then you can speak Spanish with it!” I didn’t point out the fact that most babies don’t speak…I just was so tickled that she was just happy for me, and then she said “Man, I would love to adopt kids, I need to get going on that, too! There are just so many kids that need good homes!”
So, if you seek any babies that speak Spanish that need good homes, you know who to refer them to!
MY HUSBAND
He is the most wonderful man in the world. We have had a rough year this year (or, the past two years.) We’ve struggled with infertility, I’ve gained weight, battled depression. He worked two jobs for a period of time while he was looking for a new full-time position. He’s been taking computer classes and is currently working a job that he enjoys, but he knows he doesn’t want to be there forever.
This fertility deal is awful, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. When I have had periods of feeling envious of people who have been able to get more easily pregnant, I think to myself “Thank you, Jesus, for not allowing that woman to suffer with infertility. Thank you, Lord, that You are in control of the womb and you bless women with children.” It has really turned my heart around; I know God gives this to us for whatever reason, and He, in His sovereignty, has chosen this for us.
Anyway, I am grateful for infertility right now because it’s shown me the character of my husband. I have always been afraid of marrying a man that wouldn’t stick by me. My husband has been my greatest hero: he has been a rock during this whole process. He has been supportive, caring, and not placed blame on me for us not being able to get pregnant. When I realized how much weight I had gained, and there was no physiological reason for it (ie, I’ve gained weight the good ol’ fashioned way, eating too much and not exercising enough), I was really afraid for our relationship and our marriage.
My husband has been encouraging me to lose weight, but he’s never blamed me, never mistreated me, never called me names or threatened to leave. He makes me feel like the most wonderful woman in the world.
Like I said, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but I’m grateful that God has shown me how wonderful my husband is throughout this. I am so very, very thankful for that.
I sorta surprised my husband by ordering catalogs from a slew of adoption agencies. (I think I at least have gotten 2 or 3 different ones)
My husband called me and left me a cell phone message saying “You’ve been a busy little bee!” He was a little bit hurt that I didn’t talk to him about it first…but I’ve been tired of waiting! I guess I think about adoption all the time (or I think I’ve told him things that I actually haven’t). I have conversations with him in my head that I haven’t actually had with him, so it creates interesting mixups in our marriage sometimes.
I promised him I wouldn’t fill out the applications without him or bring home any children without his consent.
I know time flies by, but I can’t wait until we can buy a bigger house and really start ACTING on adoption agencies, etc. I know it’s going to be a bit of a wait, so I want to learn as much as I can now, so that when we move we can have our new address to start filling out all the paperwork.
My husband I have been meeting monthly with someone from our church to go over our debt. This is usually a good time, and for the first time yesterday we brought up the adoption equation.
I hate to think of kids in terms of finances, but my husband and I are in a lot of student loan debt and other misc. debt. (Though, thankfully, the credit card debt and misc. we’ve whittled down quite a bit.) We are trying to be wise in our spending and follow the Crown financial principles, but my heart really aches for a child NOW. I don’t care how much it costs, or how much debt we get into, I just really want a child!
Our friend that discusses finances also brought up the fact that adoption not only has upfront costs, but the cost of parenting as well. Clothing, feeding, educating and caring for a child. I guess I feel torn with wanting to be financially responsible and have enough saved up for a child, and feeling as if I’m getting old because I will be 30 in March.
Also, a lot of our family and friends are in the Illinois/Indiana area, and we are considering moving there someday, especially if we have children. If I get a promotion here in Kansas, I will be locked in for 18 months until I can promote up into another job in Illinois (where there are more job opportunties).
Our friend from church that works with us on finances also said that maybe we aren’t meant to have children, but maybe we are just to be people who help children that aren’t necessarily our own. (I can’t remember the exact phrase he used, but it was something to the affect of maybe we aren’t meant to be parents by birth or adoption.) I guess that’s something that I’ve been praying through, if we are meant to be parents at all.
I don’t know why I want to be a mom, it’s just something I want! Maybe that’s just a selfish part of it, I can’t even explain it. I just know there are a lot of kids out there that need parents, a lot of orphans that don’t have homes, a lot of kids whose parents just don’t have the ability to care for their children. I know my husband would be a great dad, and I want to see him as a dad, and I guess that’s a big part of it. I want to be a mom, but even more than that, I really know my husband wants to be a dad.
I guess we’re just going to keep moving forward, and see where God opens and shuts doors. That was such a tough talk yesterday.
As my husband and I have been going through the Crown Financial Ministries Course, we have memorized this scripture, 1 Chronicles 29:12 Riches and honor come from you alone, for you rule over everything. Power and might are in your hand, and it is at your discretion that people are made great and given strength. The Lord is in control over all things, and it’s at His discretion that events are sent in motion.
Even when we are going through difficult times, I must remember to praise God. Right now I am very thankful because yesterday I received a yearly raise of almost $3000. My husband has received a raise at his job; an independent business owner of our church really wants to keep Donald on, so he’s been trying desperately to get enough income to keep him as a salaried employee. Up until today, he’s just been working as an “independent contractor.” Today, he was offered a salary position. Between this raise and my raise, we think that we can make it without my husband having to keep looking for work. This current job is really in line with what he wants to do, and I think he really, really likes it. We also received a surprise financial gift from someone today.
We have accountability partners in our financial lives, so please pray for us as we make financial decisions. I feel that we, as Christians, must care for the homeless, sick, poor, elderly– so please pray we would live out the commandments of Christ in our areas of giving as well. Jesus is the bread of life, that is free, so I pray we wouldn’t focus on the temporary, as God knows we need food and clothing and shelter, but I pray we would continue to praise God through the difficult times and then good.
Well, I feel silly, almost forgot to post on this one!
Wedding anniversaries are strange things. They aren’t a birthday, though it feels like a birthday. Not a lot of people remember anniversaries, though. Usually Donald’s folks and grandparents send us a card or call us, or even just email us.
You don’t get gifts for an anniversary, but people usually do something to commemorate the occassion.
I cleaned the bathroom. My husband has been working on selling things on ebay. We watched a bunch of “Firefly” episodes on Sci Fi channel. Nothing terribly exciting.
Donald is still working on ebay, and I’m going to look up some more facts on adoption. I just ended another month of “NOT BEING PREGNANT”
Is there a checklist I need to fill out? I feel as if there is. 1) I’m overweight. can’t be pregnant with that problem. I mean, not the usual overweight, but BIG TIME 2) My husband and I struggle with spending too much money, and spending money on things we don’t need. Obviously, we’ve messed up there. The poor kid wouldn’t have food or clothes to speak of. 3) Speaking of mess! My husband and I aren’t the neatest people in the world. Obviously, no one would place a child in our care 4) My husband and I can’t even agree on how long we’ve been trying. Donald states it’s only been a few month. I say it’s been 3 years. I’ve agreed that “trying” to him means keeping track of cycles on a small computer or the rhythm method to track cycles. To me, it’s been not using birth control. That’s been at least two or three years.
I wonder if my blog is just a bunch of whining. How is God in charge of all this? How can I get my head around the fact that He’s sovereign over all this? How do I explain this to people?
