Also, about a week ago, I swore I was pregnant. I would’ve bet $500 on it. I was late, I was acting strange and couldn’t think straight, I wanted to eat weird things. There was a blissful two week period.

But I wasn’t pregnant. Between that and the fact that a second adoption is going to be expensive, I’ve not felt myself. I sent some emails today at work that were not my style. I didn’t get in big trouble, but my boss asked what was wrong. I am just so numb – normally, I’d cry and be upset. I can’t even cry. I just said ”I’ve been upset about not getting pregnant and the finances for a second adoption.” He told me to go home and do something to make myself feel better. So here I am, blogging.

I’ve also started meeting with a Stephens Minister from church, and I hope that will help, to be able to talk to someone about it. I’ve never felt despondent or lost the way I have been the past few weeks. Even though next week at work is going to be crazy, I am very excited to have the longer hours to keep my mind off of things. I love my son. I love my husband. I have great family and friends. It just makes me sad when I think of trying to get Joshua a younger sibling, just what a big, uphill, tough battle it seems to be.

Donald and I have felt kind of lonely; a lot of our friends had moved away, and Donald’s work schedule prevents us from participating in a lot of things. I am very very hopeful for his job interview tomorrow- it’s a job at the same company with better hours and more opportunity for advancement.

So, the title if this post is Joshy’s personality. Well, tonight we took Josh to a separate house that was hosting childcare for our small group. Donald and I were worried that Josh would be upset when we left. As we were trying to sneak out, he waved at us saying loudly ‘bye!! bye!!’. and then kept playing.

Later at the study, one of the other dads said Josh was a very sweet boy, that he just ran right up to him and gave him a big hug.

What a great kid. we’re so lucky he’s ours.

The only one in the world that gets my feelings and thoughts is my husband. The last 6 years…it seems like a blur and a trip through a desert. Two years of marriage, then that ‘let’s stop birth control and try to get pregnant.’ I remember we were actively trying to get pregnant in 05 when I started with my current company. I remember sharing with someone in the same group of new hires when she asked when we were having kids–the dreaded question. I shared a little bit of what we were going through, and we didn’t talk about it very much after that.

Fast forward to 2008 when I brought our baby into work for a visit. That same co-worker told my son “you are so loved, they waited a long time for you”. Wow; I had put our conversation in the back of my mind, just another ‘when are you having kids’ hurtful question that I had to endure.

The reason I’m telling this small story is that my life is full of these hurtful and sweet moments that are all tied together by red string. If you imagine the moments like photos tied to this string, and you twist the string one way or another, it looks like a sad and terrible life, or it looks hopeful and amazing.

When Donald and I got married, pastor bill told us “in your vows, you will hear ‘health’, ‘richer’, ‘forever’, ‘happiness’ But, you’re promising for the sickness, poor, dragging through when you don’t think you’re going to make it another moment. I had no idea what those vows meant, but I find myself reflecting back on them when life is tough. It makes the memories and promises sweeter. I married a man I had known less than a year, but I knew his character and his heart were true and could be trusted. If someone told me on our wedding day “you will be tested by money troubles, depression, family issues, death, infertility, health problems” and countless other issues that we haven’t seen yet. I still would have promised forever, because I trusted the God who put us together and that man in the tux waiting for me at the end of the aisle. I knew there was the strength of a lion partnered with a smart and gentle soul, I bet my life on it.

Watching ‘the Jane Austen book club’ last night with Donald hit a nerve. There is a marriage in the movie that’s in trouble. Well, at the end of the movie, the screenwriter demonstrated the couple was back together and happy by showing her very pregnant belly. Now, natural progression, you see it in movies and books all the time. Marriage & pregnancy and children.

Now if you look in on the movie or book of our life, there is no natural progression. There will be 9 years of marriage in January 2010. In these 9 years there’s been no mansion, no pregnant belly, no worry free lives. I had our house painted bright green in rebellion against being a normal house, normal family, predictable easiness.

You may look in at the end of the movie; she was thinking riches, health, happiness – in many ways she got the exact opposite of what she signed up for. You would expect to see a family nearly torn apart, nails scratched to the quick from climbing out of the darkness, from sliding down the rocky sides of dissapointment.

The darkness of our infertility is snuffed out by the glowing face of our Joshua. The longsuffering trials of our marriage are dull compared to being married to my best friend. You may look at us, odds against us surviving, but you don’t know God, and you don’t know us.

Tilt the images just a little to the left, & there’s the happiness, joy, & forever we promised. Even in the darkness & anguish, it’s there, even if it doesn’t look like what you thought it was supposed to be.

We felt badly because this was the first time to Gardner Fellowship Bible Church (a church plant of Olathe Bible Church). We walked out early due to my back pain and we were worried folks would think we were offended by something and left. We actually liked it quite a bit and will be going back next week.

I have been hurting so much I am impatient and worn out. The chiropractor I saw today thinks I may have a herniated disc, which worries me. I need to call my doctor and my regular chiropractor tomorrow to find out what I need to do next. The chiropractor today just said to ice it but it’s not even helping anymore. I’m worried by the numbness in my legs and feet.

Being in pain and impatient has made me think about Jesus-he was beaten and hung on the cross yet never sinned. And I’ve been sinning, impatient, and tired.

Joshua is with his Grandma tonight, and I just feel sad, and homesick. I am so grateful that she’s watching him – I was able to get some dishes done easily and then I will be able to study. However, when I don’t get to see him, I get anxious and upset about it. Donald took Joshua yesterday to Lawrence, KS to see Donald’s Great Aunt Gloria and Gary that were visiting from California. I was very concerned about Joshua being home from the visit when I got home so I could see him because I missed him!

One time when Donald’s Aunt Delaina watched Joshua due to a Toastmasters leadership training, I left the training as early as I could so I could get Joshua. I had already spent 1 evening without him and I couldn’t stand being apart from him anymore.

I know he’s okay when others are babysitting him, and I don’t mind the break to get some other things done. I just get very sad when I don’t get to see him at night because he’s spending the night with family or we have a late event one night and I don’t get to spend very much time with him.

Donald and I have had to work hard on spending time together – we both enjoy Joshua so much, we have to purposely make date nights and try to at least talk to one another during the day. I can see how married couples can lose sight of one another with the busyness of working full time and trying to raise a child. However, I keep reminding myself that once our kids grow up it will just be the two of us. I am trying to enjoy every minute with Joshua because he’s grown up so fast already – and I know the rest of his time as a child will fly by as well!

I need to study, but I miss him so much, hopefully I can concentrate enough and pass this test tomorrow!

Josh has been throwing full out, screaming, throwing himself on the floor tantrums.

Just today, while at Uncle Drew’s house, Josh was hungry. I gave him a mum-mum. When the mum-mum was half done, he spotted a cup of carrots in his diaper bag. He grabbed the carrots and handed them to me. I told him to finish his mum-mum first.

He threw the mum-mum on the floor, pointed vigorously at the cup of carrots, and thew himself down on the floor, hitting is head in the process, while I was trying to open the container and take it to the sink to drain!!

Tonight, he was crying and his face was beet red. I had given him tylenol earlier, and was working on giving him some orajel. He was laying on our bed and wailing just as loud as he could. I picked him up, carried him into the kitchen, and started to warm up a sippy of milk. When Joshua saw the sippy of milk, he started reaching for it and crying. I had to set him down so I could get the lid on the cup.

He folded himself over on the floor, placed his forehead down and started wailing loudly. I decided to take the sippy cup and walk away from him because he was so upset, telling him, “if you want your milk, you need to calm down and follow me.” When he saw me walking away with the sippy cup, he followed me into our bedroom, then threw himself on the floor again. I waited a bit till he calmed down some, then got him into our bed, and Donald fed him the milk.

I am not sure what is going on – I guess it’s normal (I should get out my parenting book and see.) I think his cousin Jaxon has had some terrible two type fits as well…. need to start reading all the parenting magazines and books that have been recommended to me over the years for ideas!!

It’s been so slow, yet so fast, how this year has gone by. Sometimes, when I was up at 2, 4, and 6 in the morning and had to go to work the next day, it felt very long and slow. I have felt strangely about this – I am happy that Josh is growing up: eating more and more on his own, talking, responding to us, giving hugs to us and his cousin, smiling and jumping up and down when daddy comes home, smiling and trying to climb into the computer when we skype with Grandma and Grandpa. He knows people, and I just love that he knows that Donald and I are mom and dad, and how much he responds whenever kids come onto the scene.

I loved him as a little bundle of baby – but I am loving getting to know him more and more. He’s a sweet child and loves to meet new people. When we went on a walk tonight (Josh was in his stroller) he was pointing to things and talking. He noticed a group of kids playing with a ball and was saying “UP” (unsure why.) I took him to a small park by our house and held him while he went down the slide. He was grinning so big and laughing when he slid down it, and he jumped up and down to get me to pick him up and slide down again. He saw some dogs barking in back yards as we walked around the neighborhood “Dog.” When I called Donald to let him know we were on the way home, I told Joshua “that was daddy on the phone.” He replied “daddy.”

On the stroller there is a little “window” That you can see through the cover of the stroller to the baby inside. Joshua kept turning around, grinning, and waving at me as I was walking him along. He would tap the tray in front of him and continue to bounce up and down, turn around, smile at me, and continue.

I know he’s going to keep getting bigger and older every day, and I do miss him being a baby sometimes. Most times, I am so happy that he knows who I am and he talks (small words) to us. I love him so very much I can’t believe it. So many times Donald and I will just, even still, start to cry thinking about how much we love him.

We had talked about starting the adoption process for our second one when Josh turned a year, but I think we’re going to wait a little bit. I am starting training for a new job (I will still be a supervisor) but in a different department. I am hopeful that I’ll be able to move up a little quicker since I have some more expertise in that new department. My goal is to move up and make enough someday so Donald can stay home with the kids and work on websites from home.

Our social worker, Susan, had called and emailed us about 4:30pm on year ago today, advising we were going to adopt a boy set to be induced on April 16th. This sent us into crazy 12 days of waiting, registering, calling our social worker and attorney almost daily, moving items out of our spare bedroom and turning it into a nursery.

I can’t believe it’s been a year!

On another note: Octomom. Everyone at work talks about her and her kids. Well, I think it’s interesting, because if she applied to adopt, I don’t think a social worker would have approved her. No job, living at home with her parents, I can’t see how she would have been approved to adopt 8 children when she already had 7 children already at home. Now, I’m not saying what she did was wrong, but I just want to draw attention to the difference between trying to adopt and having infertility/fertility treatment. For her to have 8 babies naturally, a social worker did not have to be involved, she did not have to disclose how much money she made (other than paying for the treatment), and she did not have to have friends and family write recommendation letters advising that she was a good mother.

Again, I am not saying getting infertility treatments over adoption is wrong. I just am drawing attention to the fact that adoptive parents have to go through a lot more “certification” than parents who chose infertility treatments. I feel badly for the kids, because they don’t care about my opinions or what anyone else thinks; they just want to be fed, and loved, and cared for. I just hope that she is up to the task and there are others in her life that can help support these children.

I also am finding it strange about Madonna trying to adopt a second child from (I cannot remember which African country). Why did they let her adopt her first child from there without staying in the country the mandatory 9-18 months but now they won’t let her adopt a 2nd child? Is it because she is now a single parent?

We just got back from a family vacation to see Kent & Wynona in Muskogee, OK (Donald’s aunt and uncle) and Dan & Michelle & their kids in Rogers, AR (Donald’s cousins.) It was fun visiting everyone, and it was a blast seeing Josh react to everyone. He really started walking. Before this long weekend, he would take 4 or 5 steps at a time and stop. Well, this weekend, he began walking everywhere. He loves being chased and chasing others. Kent & Wynona had a set of old cracker tins that Joshy loved taking the lids off, banging around, scooting across the floor, and carrying around. At Dan & Michelle’s house, Josh loved riding on Gabe (he’s 8 years old) like he was a horse – Josh even clapped on Monday when Gabe came home from school.

Monday was my 32nd birthday while we were at Dan and Michelle’s – it’s funny, this is the 2nd year I’ve been there for my birthday. Last time I was there was in March of 07. I remember we were telling them at that time we were starting the adoption research and process. It was so neat to see Josh play with their kids – Alexis and Brennan would carry Josh around and help us watch him. Gabe shared his bath toys with him and made Josh laugh.

When we were with Kent & Wynona, Wynona loved carrying Josh around and their son Brian (who doesn’t have kids) even thanked Donald for us bringing Josh to visit.

There is something special about kids, and babies, in particular, that just make you happy. Even though it was pretty stressful trying to take care of Josh and keep him in a schedule, it was worth it to watch him play with Kent & Wynona and Dan & Michelle and their kids.

When we moved to our house in Gardner, we graduated Josh to his crib. Again, we could easily keep to a routine of bottle, dry diaper, bed, and he would go right to sleep. From June on he would sleep all the way through the night in his crib, which was AWESOME.

Lately, he has been crying and fussing and we get so tired we end up keeping him in bed with us. He sleeps great laying in between us. However, he will toss and turn, flop on us, bang his head on my side, turn himself around and nearly push me off the side. I have been tired from dealing with this the past couple weeks. (Donald I think sleeps through all this.) Work has been stressful, and not having good sleep is making me irritable.

It got to a terrible point this week of being stressed and tired and almost near a breakdown.

I needed to do something to feel better. I decided to join a gym last Thursday- my friend Jamie from work goes there and they have yoga. I arranged for my other work friend Natalie to watch Josh every Thursday night so I can go to a relaxation yoga class Thursday nights. They have a pretty extensive child care area, and everyone has background checks, so I’m going to try out taking Josh there to see how it works. I’ve gone and done arm weights, and I even felt better even after just doing that. I think this is going to be good to get away from everything at work and home and work out by myself. I just need to carve time out for it. A few years ago I went to the gym almost every day before work, and I felt awesome mentally and physically. I am really looking forward to having some “me” time at the gym!!