I am here in my swanky hotel room. It’s an extended stay room with a kitchenette and a flat screen high definition television. Yes, I am here to work!
I am just so, so blessed by a lot of things. I have worked with this company for only 3 years and I’m now a member of management team. I have had to do well and succeed not only speaking in English but in Spanish to get to where I am today. I am so, so happy. Tomorrow we have a day where we dress up and have our photos taken, and we’re going to meet the vice president of the claims department.
I don’t know how much I’ll update while I’m here, but I know I am going to have a fabulous time and learn a lot. I don’t even think I can express how happy I am, how blessed I feel, and what a privledge it is to be here.
Sunday at noon I leave with 3 other people in my office for Leadership Training.
It should be a good time. I have enjoyed my first few weeks as a supervisor and am excited to be learning more regarding leadership and developing my team members. I do not like flying, however, so that is one small part of it I will not enjoy.
My hubby is the best. He went out today and bought me some new luggage and a new computer bag for my trip.
I probably won’t blog again until I get back March 7th.
Here is the announcement that went out at work letting everyone know I’d been promoted to supervisor (some of it is insurance jargon):
Jessica (Jessie) started her career at (Company Name) as a bilingual CSA in March
of 2005. She promoted to OCR on the Spanish Auto Coverage Team in October
of 2006 & became team coach in July of 2007. She has been backstopping for
various supervisors since August of 2007. She has earned her AIC and her
AIS designations, and is nearing completion of her GCA designation. She is
a member of Toastmasters, Diversity Club, and FEAPAC. She earned a degree
in Theatre, with a class concentration in Spanish, from Knox College in
Galesburg, Illinois in 1999. She and her husband, Donald, who also works
for KCHP in the Workforce department, are excited to be in the process of
adopting their first child.
On the adoption front, Hubby started his Saturday through Tuesday schedule last week, so if anything happens with adoption very quickly we will only need childcare 2 days a week. We have our names in with 2 different birth families, 1 child was born on Dec. 26th and another is due Feb. 4, we’ve given them our “book” but haven’t heard anything. I don’t think I ever blogged about this, but we had our name in for a baby due in August that she ended up picking someone else. I know domestic adoption can be full of “false starts,” which is just part of the deal. When people ask me “Isn’t this so hard” or “Isn’t this so expensive” I just say “If you want it, you have to play the game.” Even though I don’t like having to tell a social worker every detail of my life and give all of my tax information for the past 2 years and have her look at my house, it’s part of the game, it’s part of the system, and we have to play it. I am getting more and more excited and feeling as if things are really happening. We shelled out $900 for our homestudy on 1.15.08, just more to apply to the tax credit!
So, if one of those children happens to pan out, we’ve at least got a plan. Talked with HR and our insurance company. We can put our child on our insurance as soon as we “take possession” of the child, whether or not the adoption is finalized. No one seems to know for sure if insurance will pay for the birth mom’s labor costs. The birth mom that is due Feb 4th has NO health insurance, and our social worker was concerned that we would be responsible for all her labor costs. Well, if I went into labor my insurance would need to pay my hospital bill, but no one is sure if it can pay for the birth mother. Has anyone dealt with this before? It seems as if (YIPES) we would be responsible for paying these costs out of pocket.
We have everything we can possibly pack packed up and in the storage unit (one last load in Father in law’s van), and we are planning on having photos of our house taken and the house put BACK on the market Friday! It’s been a couple months but we’re nearing the home stretch. We have our bedrooms and kitchen to paint but that is it! Rest of the house is painted. SO glad the remodeling stuff is almost over!
I am pretty excited about tomorrow. Our home is a total mess because we’re remodeling it, but our social worker is coming over tomorrow at 1pm to complete our home study.
I realize another step in this process will be completed, but I feel sort of frustrated at the same time. Our attorney is on a vacation/sabatical, and all we’ve done is let people know that we’re looking to adopt. This seems so strange to adopt this way, just kind of waiting for a situation to present itself. I feel a little lost about what to do next once the home study is done, and when I asked our attorney, she basically said just to send out the letters letting people know we’re adopting and wait. I have nightmares and worry a lot that we will never be matched with a birth family and we’ll have to deal with not being able to be parents and learn to live as a childless couple. If that is God’s will that is His will, but I don’t feel that that is the direction we should go right now.
I just hope once the homestudy is done we will be able to focus on another step of the adoption process.
I have my interview for a supervisor position at my job on Thursday afternoon. I’m pretty excited and nervous; I already had to interview to get into the TRAINING to be a supervisor, and now I’m actually interviewing to be hired formally as a supervisor. This week, we’ve worked on packing more things at our house, put in upper cabinets in the kitchen (Donald and my father in law have done that), and then once we get to a good place I will start painting the inside of the ENTIRE house. Yes, I am super excited (Yuck.) It will all be beautiful when it’s done, but the house better sell, as we’re going to be updating/redoing everything but the carpeting, but including a carpet allowance.
We’ve been “almost done” with our home study for a few weeks now. Our social worker has had to deal with the death of a close friend, so she has had to cancel our last few appointments. We have sent in our background checks to the state, but we still need to send in our fingerprints and background check request to the FBI. Hopefully, we can get the homestudy done in December or January at the latest.
Hubby’s dad is staying with us for a few weeks. He works at a golf course and gets laid off every winter, so he’s using this time to make some extra money by helping friends and family with handiman type work. It’s amazing the things he can do. He’s specifically going to help us get our house ready to put back on the market. We’ve planned on finishing repainting, new flooring (laminate, which should be cat proof), and a new kitchen stove.
Tomorrow morning (if it doesn’t ice over) we’re supposed to take some boxes to our storage unit to begin clearing things so we have more room in the garage for the remodeling project.
A week ago we got a puppy! We’ve been waiting and looking into getting a corgi puppy for the past few years, and we finally decided to get one. I’ve been in the dumps emotionally about everything lately, so a puppy has been a good distraction. My medicine I think has kept me out of a deep, dark depression, but I’m pretty upset and heartsick about the infertility issues. I scheduled an appointment with a counselor for 2 weeks from now, and I cannot wait. Some days I’m fine, some days I can hardly function. It’s hard to explain or understand.
Found out today that my WORK LAPTOP has been SHIPPED! I am so excited, you have no idea. One of my friend’s from work keeps teasing me, saying that I DON’T want a laptop, as that means I’ll be forced to be salaried and not get overtime and work from home! Oh well. I am just very excited, as this has been my first grown up job, and my first job that I’ve been really successful at.
They haven’t made the official announcement that we’re in the Claims Leadership Development group, but I believe the official notice should be sent out by the end of the week or next week. They have to wait until everyone in a particular “class” (this class size being 9) passes their interviews and tests, and once everyone passes everything they send out a group email that the class has begun for Claims Leadership Development. Highly exciting!
The rough emotional personal part is that I just keep thinking how unfair it is that we haven’t had kids yet. Now, I am trying to work on not becoming a bitter and angry basket case. I am also trying not to count the number of pregnant women I see walk by me every day. My husband said something encouraging to me today, he said “Not everyone makes as much money as we do to be able to adopt. I think God is showing us something in this.”
I have sat here for a few moments and thought about it. A couple years ago my husband and I were in a lot of debt, hardly making ends meet, and we talked with someone who worked with us on Crown Financial principles. I just was looking at our financial situation and thinking “There is no way we can afford to adopt. There is no way, we don’t even make enough to support ourselves.” I prayed, and prayed, wondering how we would get enough money to adopt. I put it out of my mind for awhile and just kept plugging at my job.
Well, what God has done is given me three promotions in 18 months. My salary quadrupled from what it was 4 years ago. We have great benefits and the possibility of hubby having 3 days off a week to be home with a baby. Where a couple years ago I was discouraged and thought it was impossible I see where doors have been opened. Life isn’t fair sometimes, and I may always be sad about not being able to get pregnant and have a child, but I would never have thought we would be able to earn enough to adopt. Honestly, we don’t NEED all this extra income. God has been gracious in giving it to us so we can feel more able to adopt.
I am not saying you must be SUPER rich to adopt, because that is a misnomer, but it helps to have extra income and not feel so strapped. It helps so much to know what we’re working so hard for; there are kids that need homes, and that is where our money is going towards, giving these kids a home.
…but I passed my test tonight!
What does this mean? My head, for about the 6th or 7th time this year, has been packed full of insurance jargon and facts. I get another promotion & raise, and then I get to participate in the claims leadership development program. Part of this training is spending a week in California, at our home office. I am SO EXCITED.
I just keep plugging, even thought it’s been kind of stressful taking all these tests. I just know with each step we’re making more money to be able to adopt, a more flexible schedule (I’ll be salaried and can have the option to work from home some times) which will hopefully give hubby the opportunity to work from home.
My husband’s friend has his own photography business, and he was nice enough to take some photos of us. Check out his site! This is me and hubby’s photo album. If you’re in the area, give him a ring. I think he did a great job, don’t you?
On Wednesday I had an interview to be accepted into a Claims Leadership Development program. The CLD program is an 8 week program in which you learn about leadership, managing people, follow field claims representatives, and take a trip to home office for a week. In order to be accepted, you have to pass a difficult interview and pass various exams.
I passed the interview on Wednesday, and then on November 7, 2007 I have my final exam. Between now and December I am going to be filling in for supervisors. I am very excited about my promotion and I am glad the interview is over, it took a couple weeks of preparation. Now, I need to begin studying to the exam.
We’ve turned in half our paperwork for the homestudy and completed our physicals. We’re going to meet with our social worker for one on one meetings sometime in the next two weeks. We have a few forms left: our budget, fingerprints, and an affidavit that needs a notary. We haven’t heard from our attorney on our “we’re adopting” letter, the last we heard she just emailed us to say she was swamped and she woud look at it when she could. So, we’re plugging ahead and it’s exciting that we’re almost done with the home study part.
WARNING: This post is very bitter and mean. I’m having a bad day. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Thursday hubby and I met our social worker for the first time. Turned over our stack of paperwork, our names and addresses of references, and $50. We have another stack to fill out: The financial stuff and our physicals from our doctors.
I am happy that this is done, but I have found myself very depressed this week. Ironically enough, it’s because I’m up for a promotion. Why would a promotion cause depression, might you ask? Well, it’s hard to explain. I only have so many hours in the day, and right now, my extra time has to be spent studying for exams and interviews for my promotion. This is time that I won’t have to spend on our homestudy. It seems as if every time we get a little further down the road a roadblock comes up. Now, when you’re pregnant, you’re pregnant. The baby is coming in 9 months whether you like it or not. But when you’re adopting, everything is relative to you having meetings, filling out paperwork, and waiting for an opportunity to come along. Our social worker did say to us “Now, this is your labor.” and I understand the reason for the paperwork; they want to protect the children being put up for adoption. But I find it frustrating, and slow, and the process depends on me pushing it along. Every crisis that happens, every extra hour I have to spend on work, slows it down, and it feels as if we’ve been on this journey for longer than 4 years, it feels like 30.
We went to a family reunion today and stayed 15 minutes. I just couldn’t take it. Some days I’m fine, sometimes it feels like someone has hit me in the chest with a brick. We were sitting at a table with a baby in a car seat on the table. The mom starts talking about her labor, and how she was induced, etc. etc. There were two or 3 pregnant women, and lots of children running around. I feel like an evil witch, but I couldn’t take it. I feel like I am the freak that can’t get pregnant in those situations. I can’t be around kids sometimes, and I hate that, because I love kids, but it just hurts. It’s just a reminder that I don’t have them, I have no idea why, and then on top of it the process seems so slow. I know others out there have had longer to deal with this, or have miscarriages, or have lost children when they’re born.
I like to think of myself as a strong person that has been through a lot, and been successful, and barged through, and made it, and carved things out for myself. But not being able to have kids has just knocked me down, knocks the wind out of me, makes me feel miserable and like a failure and as if it’s all my fault. I don’t want to see people, I don’t want to see moms with babies, I don’t want to hear your birth story, and I am a bawling mess. I hate myself when I am like this — some days I am strong and I keep focused on adopting and I think about our future children and how much fun they will be — but some days I hate everyone that has kids and I don’t want to be around people. I know people don’t mean it, but I feel like it’s being rubbed in my face, and so I need to go away by myself and cry and pray for a while, and then I’m better. It’s just a bad day. I have to have faith that it will get better, and we’ll get through, but I hate myself when I’m like this.
It’s like I turn into the Evil Infertility Monster or Debbie Downer or something, I am angry, crying, sad, and I don’t want to be happy. But I know it’s a bad day, I’ve had them before and gotten through them, I’ll probably have them some more and get through them, but today it feels like it’s the end of the world, and I would rather cry and be by myself than be reminded of what I don’t have.
I do not blog at my computer at work. I blog during the workday at a computer in our office’s “study room”: this is a room with three computers that you can use on your breaks to study for insurance exams, check your email, and do personal computer items. I have checked my yahoo account 1 time on my work computer because I was waiting on an important email. I only use Seibel/CRN and other work related boring computer applications to assist customers for their claims.
I love my job and if anyone from my job reads this blog I want this post in there. Someone I know in the blogging community lost her job because her bosses assumed she was blogging at work due to the time stamp on the posts. Just for the record, just beacuse it’s time stamped a certain day and time doesn’t mean that’s when you were actually typing it.
Some people read my blog that I know from “real life” and some people read this from other adoption/infertility blogs that I enjoy reading. I would hope that no one who reads my blog would print it out and accuse me of using the company time or saying mean things about people.
This is my blog, this is full of my personal opinions. If you say something mean to me about adoption, I’ll probably talk about you on my blog. If you invite me to your house (or vice versa) I will probably mention it. If I’ve talked to you about your opinion on adoption,I will probably add a synopsis of what we discussed. I won’t use your name. People won’t guess who you are. If someone asks me to tell them who someone is, I won’t do it. This is like my online diary, but it is also a way to update all the various friends and family scattered all over what is going on in our lives. Adoption is a big process, and I’m sorry, I have a hard time remember who I’ve told what to. So, I feel a blog is the best way to let people know what is going on. I can add photos (which I will probably password protect) of our future kids so family and friends far away can see what’s going on. I can add my personal opinions and let people know the basics of what is going on. Infertility is also a very lonely and sad process, so I want to be able to vent my frustrations and feelings with other people who understand how I feel.
What I don’t want - I don’t want this blog to be used for people to accuse me of things or have their feelings hurt. That is not my intent. If I happen to talk about you, it’s because you’re in my life. I don’t mean any harm. And I don’t blog at work!
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