On the Edge of a Cliff and Ready to Fly

Since Wed things have been difficult. I have had the most excruciating pain in my back; yesterday it was starting to feel better then today at church we left early because my legs and feet were going numb.

We felt badly because this was the first time to Gardner Fellowship Bible Church (a church plant of Olathe Bible Church). We walked out early due to my back pain and we were worried folks would think we were offended by something and left. We actually liked it quite a bit and will be going back next week.

I have been hurting so much I am impatient and worn out. The chiropractor I saw today thinks I may have a herniated disc, which worries me. I need to call my doctor and my regular chiropractor tomorrow to find out what I need to do next. The chiropractor today just said to ice it but it’s not even helping anymore. I’m worried by the numbness in my legs and feet.

Being in pain and impatient has made me think about Jesus-he was beaten and hung on the cross yet never sinned. And I’ve been sinning, impatient, and tired.

Since becoming a “working mom,” my life certainly has changed. I have a mentor at work, M., with whom I go to lunch 1 a month to talk about work and home life things. She is in a good place to mentor me because she is the main breadwinner of her family as well and she’s worked on balancing home and life.

Since Joshua, work isn’t as consuming for me as it was. I think I threw myself into work a lot more to keep my mind off of the infertility battle. It actually turned out to be a good thing, because I worked my way up to make enough so we could afford to adopt and raise our family. My life used to be either 1) Working, 2) Studying for some exam for work 3) Doing some type of extra activity for work to add to my resume. Now, I am trying to get things back into balance, and put more home into my life. Having a baby and having to pay for babysitting doesn’t lend itself well to working lots of extra hours. I’ve had to really prioritize what is important and I’ve said “no” to a lot of activities and committees that I normally would have jumped on. I am just focusing on the Bilingual Committee and Toastmasters at work, in addition to getting my team to where they need to be.

I’ve started a new routine. Mornings are so hectic trying to get Joshua up and ready to go to his uncle’s (or just get him ready for the day), so I’ve started showering every night rather than in the morning. We are not eating out as much (due to cost and it’s actually more inconvenient sometimes with a little one) so I am doing a lot of the cooking. Every weekend I pick a meal (last week it was dirty rice, this week it was meatloaf and mashed taters) and I put it into individual containers and freeze. It’s something I did occasionally before Joshua, but now it is a must. I don’t have time to cook during the week. I come home (sometimes carrying a baby, diaper bag, purse, & laptop bag), tired already from a long day, trying to get Joshua fed, there is just no way that I have time to cook dinner.

Additionally, Donald and I each take turns being a “single parent” it feels like. The one time I usually have Donald here to help watch Josh while I cook is Saturday mornings, so I have Donald watch Joshua while I get up early Saturday and get things cooked and the kitchen cleaned afterwards. I’ve done this for about a month, and it’s working well. I understand now why parents of young children really crave schedules and don’t want to go out of town as much. If my only time to prep food is Saturday morning, it’s such a pain to reschedule that to do something else! Isn’t that strange?
If I have to do something different one weekend, it can throw the whole schedule off.

Sunday at noon I leave with 3 other people in my office for Leadership Training.

It should be a good time.  I have enjoyed my first few weeks as a supervisor and am excited to be learning more regarding leadership and developing my team members. I do not like flying, however, so that is one small part of it I will not enjoy.

My hubby is the best. He went out today and bought me some new luggage and a new computer bag for my trip.

I probably won’t blog again until I get back March 7th.

Random stories:  

1. Hubby and I went to the post office together to mail off our FBI background check request and fingerprints for our homestudy. The social worker specifically told us to write “adoption” in big, red letters on the outside of the envelope. When we did this, the dark red ink smeared. Hubby commented, “It looks like we wrote adoption in our own blood! Was that part of the deal, to write it in blood?”

2. I had a good session with my counselor a couple weeks ago, since lately dealing with this has been very, very rough. Every month we go through the roller coaster of hoping, wishing, and finally disappointment. I have come to face the fact that we will not be able to get pregnant. We have been trying for 4 years, and you have to be realistic and stop hoping sometime. I don’t want to sound cruel or cynical, but for pete’s sakes, half of what I talked to my counselor about was the stuff people say to me that makes me nuts. “Oh, when you adopt, you’ll get pregnant” or “You shouldn’t feel bad or grieve that you haven’t gotten pregnant, because you haven’t been told for sure that you can’t.” I don’t even know what to say to those comments. I want to talk about ADOPTION. I am done talking about getting pregnant, trying to get pregnant, ideas for how to get pregnant, or fertility centers. When my counselor and I were talking, I think she expressed it well. She said “You can’t live in this place where there are ‘what ifs’, you’ve moved on and are ready to embrace adoption, but it feels like no one else around you is ready for it. They aren’t ready for YOU to give up, so they keep bringing it up. You’ve moved on to adoption, and other people aren’t following you. They think they’re telling you what you want to hear, they think they’re giving you hope, but they don’t understand they’re dragging you backwards to a place you don’t want to be.” That’s exactly what it feels like, I’ve moved on and other people aren’t ready to move on, they’re holding onto hope that I gave up on. I keep talking about adopting, our homestudy process, and people keep bringing up pregnancy, or the hope that I’ll get pregnant, or the fact I might get pregnant, but I am done with that. Ask me about ADOPTION, because that’s what we’re dealing with. 4 years is a long time to not get pregnant when you’ve been tracking your cycles. Even though I haven’t been told for sure why, I think we qualify as belonging to the Infertility Club, I think 4 years gives me the right to move on, so please, move on with me.

3. My hubby, whom I love more dearly than ever, said to me the other night, “Hey honey, the roller coaster is starting. Put your hands up. WEEEEE!” I couldn’t stop laughing at him and the way he said it, and the way he dramatically flew his hands up over his head.  I find it suiting that I hate roller coasters in real life as much as I hate the proverbial infertility roller coaster. Yuck.

Found out today that my WORK LAPTOP has been SHIPPED! I am so excited, you have no idea. One of my friend’s from work keeps teasing me, saying that I DON’T want a laptop, as that means I’ll be forced to be salaried and not get overtime and work from home! Oh well. I am just very excited, as this has been my first grown up job, and my first job that I’ve been really successful at.

They haven’t made the official announcement that we’re in the Claims Leadership Development group, but I believe the official notice should be sent out by the end of the week or next week. They have to wait until everyone in a particular “class” (this class size being 9) passes their interviews and tests, and once everyone passes everything they send out a group email that the class has begun for Claims Leadership Development. Highly exciting!

The rough emotional personal part is that I just keep thinking how unfair it is that we haven’t had kids yet. Now, I am trying to work on not becoming a bitter and angry basket case. I am also trying not to count the number of pregnant women I see walk by me every day. My husband said something encouraging to me today, he said “Not everyone makes as much money as we do to be able to adopt. I think God is showing us something in this.”

I have sat here for a few moments and thought about it. A couple years ago my husband and I were in a lot of debt, hardly making ends meet, and we talked with someone who worked with us on Crown Financial principles. I just was looking at our financial situation and thinking “There is no way we can afford to adopt. There is no way, we don’t even make enough to support ourselves.” I prayed, and prayed, wondering how we would get enough money to adopt. I put it out of my mind for awhile and just kept plugging at my job.

Well, what God has done is given me three promotions in 18 months. My salary quadrupled from what it was 4 years ago. We have great benefits and the possibility of hubby having 3 days off a week to be home with a baby. Where a couple years ago I was discouraged and thought it was impossible I see where doors have been opened. Life isn’t fair sometimes, and I may always be sad about not being able to get pregnant and have a child, but I would never have thought we would be able to earn enough to adopt. Honestly, we don’t NEED all this extra income. God has been gracious in giving it to us so we can feel more able to adopt.

I am not saying you must be SUPER rich to adopt, because that is a misnomer, but it helps to have extra income and not feel so strapped. It helps so much to know what we’re working so hard for; there are kids that need homes, and that is where our money is going towards, giving these kids a home.

…but I passed my test tonight!

What does this mean?  My head, for about the 6th or 7th time this year, has been packed full of insurance jargon and facts. I get another promotion & raise, and then I get to participate in the claims leadership development program. Part of this training is spending a week in California, at our home office. I am SO EXCITED.

I just keep plugging, even thought it’s been kind of stressful taking all these tests. I just know with each step we’re making more money to be able to adopt, a more flexible schedule (I’ll be salaried and can have the option to work from home some times) which will hopefully give hubby the opportunity to work from home.

My husband’s friend has his own photography business, and he was nice enough to take some photos of us.  Check out his site! This is me and hubby’s photo album. If you’re in the area, give him a ring. I think he did a great job, don’t you?

Okay, I know it’s August, but I feel like posting about my husband.

We will be married 7 years January 6, 2008. I can’t even believe it, it’s gone by really fast.  I was thinking of everything we’ve been through together….Our pastor always said when you take your wedding vows you think “Better…Richer…Health” but you promise the “Worse…Poorer….Sickness.” There are things we’ve been through that I wouldn’t ever have expected. However, through all of it, my husband’s true character has shone through.

He is a jem. I know it hurts him a lot that we haven’t been able to get pregnant, there is something in him that really wants to be a dad and have a baby. He doesn’t verbalize it a lot, but I know it hurts. Me? It hurts, but I just want a child, it doesn’t hurt nearly as much when I’m filling out adoption paperwork. I’m actually sort of relieved to not have to go through pregnancy and childbirth. Now, my hubby is all for adopting. But I think there is a part of him that hurts very deeply to think that maybe we won’t ever be able to give birth to our children. Has he ever blamed me? No. Has he ever pushed me to do infertility treatments I don’t want to do? Never. Has he been a rock when I’ve been a mess? Absolutely.

I think the “Infertility Club” is something you don’t understand till you’ve been there. Before we tried to have children, I looked at couples that had trouble having kids, and I felt badly for them, but I really didn’t understand. It’s a roller coaster, it doesn’t seem fair, and every young girl that buries her baby in the backyard with the help of her mom just eats at you. Every kid you hear of that’s killed, left in a car in the heat, or suffers from  unspeakably stupid and neglectful acts makes you so angry!

My husband always says “drop them off at our doorstep” when he hears people complain about their children.  He understands exactly how I feel when something about an abused or murdered child comes on the news. He is smart, good looking, sweet, kind, and he has shown himself to be wonderful, compassionate, and Godly even in the midst of such terrible pain. I guess I want to know that something good has come out of not being able to have children. The thing I see now is that I married the most wonderful man in the whole world. In the midst of pain and adversity you can really see the character of a person. My husband has been positive, supportive, and wonderful, even though I know it hurts him very deeply. He has always loved kids, and I knew from the moment I met him he wanted to be a dad.

Honey, you’re going to be a great dad. Hang in there. I love you.

My husband joked that we’re bored. We are currently trying to sell our house, buy a house, put a book together for potential birth moms, meeting with social workers….everything is swirling around us at once! AND, work has been the busiest and most stressful for me that it’s been so far! Yipee!

The first meeting with social worker S.T. to start the home study is scheduled for June 13th.

We found a house we LOVE with this huge backyard, we made an offer, but the realtor selling that house couldn’t get a hold of the sellers. Well, by the time they got a hold of the sellers ANOTHER offer was made on the house. The other offer I guess is similar to our offer, but there is no contingency on it. Our offers all say “we can only make this offer and buy it if our own house sells.” So, I am expecting they will take the other person’s offer over ours since they can buy the house free and clear. That’s what I would do.

so, I’m trying to prepare myself for the next round of looking at homes. Also, we have been talking with our adoption attorney about adoption fees. They come in around 11,000 to 12,000. There are tax credits (that is one good thing Bush administration has done that we’re greatful for) where you get most if not all of the money back that you’ve put into the adoption. However, the trick is having the money the previous year to throw out there for it. Hubby and I feel like we’ve been waiting forever for kids, and now everythng is happening at once, and I hate it that we have to think about if we can shell out that much money at once to adopt a child.  We need to buy a bigger house that’s closer to work just to make our lives easier and have more room for child(ren), but then that brings down how much extra money we have to put into adoption. I had looked into grants from work but I guess our employer doesn’t do that. It just all seems very frustrating and unfair (as it always will), but we know other people have adopted and they’ve made it through this experience and it’s worked out in the end.

yes, it’s cute

MY HUSBAND

He is the most wonderful man in the world. We have had a rough year this year (or, the past two years.) We’ve struggled with infertility, I’ve gained weight, battled depression. He worked two jobs for a period of time while he was looking for a new full-time position. He’s been taking computer classes and is currently working a job that he enjoys, but he knows he doesn’t want to be there forever.

This fertility deal is awful, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. When I have had periods of feeling envious of people who have been able to get more easily pregnant, I think to myself “Thank you, Jesus, for not allowing that woman to suffer with infertility. Thank you, Lord, that You are in control of the womb and you bless women with children.” It has really turned my heart around; I know God gives this to us for whatever reason, and He, in His sovereignty, has chosen this for us.

Anyway, I am grateful for infertility right now because it’s shown me the character of my husband. I have always been afraid of marrying a man that wouldn’t stick by me. My husband has been my greatest hero: he has been a rock during this whole process. He has been supportive, caring, and not placed blame on me for us not being able to get pregnant. When I realized how much weight I had gained, and there was no physiological reason for it (ie, I’ve gained weight the good ol’ fashioned way, eating too much and not exercising enough), I was really afraid for our relationship and our marriage.

My husband has been encouraging me to lose weight, but he’s never blamed me, never mistreated me, never called me names or threatened to leave. He makes me feel like the most wonderful woman in the world.

Like I said, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but I’m grateful that God has shown me how wonderful my husband is throughout this. I am so very, very thankful for that.