On the Edge of a Cliff and Ready to Fly

Sometimes the infertility monster comes out and still hurts…sometimes I wonder if Donald and I were able to have a biological child what that child would have looked like. Sometimes I think back to when we were first married and we would talk about the kids we would have some day, wondering if the children would look more than me or Donald.

These feelings of sadness are shortlived and fleeting. I am so glad the time period between 04 – 07 is over; that waiting and being depressed and feeling guilty about infertility was terrible. I am also glad, though, that our social worker warned us that even after we adopted the infertility monster would come back and haunt us. It’s more the fact that we’re different, than the fact we can’t have biological children. I threw down our American Baby magazine in disgust because there was a huge article on “Which one of you will your baby look like?” and how to pick which genes might be carried down. Yes, that is the way most people have babies, is by getting pregnant. But I hate when it’s always assumed that’s how you have your family. I guess it’s good that not everyone is infertile, I just wish there was more sensitivity.

It’s National Adoption Awareness Month, so our Diversity Club put up a bulletin board in our largest breakroom about me, Donald and Joshua.  I am very tickled by it – there are some photos of Joshua’s birthday, his “Gotcha” day, and a write up I did on our adoption story.

It struck me, though, thinking about the Diversity Club doing a bulletin board on adoption. The purpose of the Diversity Club is to educate and promote differences in the work place. I guess it just hit me that we are a different and a diverse family. It started hitting me as I looked back on Josh’s birthday photos. I wasn’t in a hospital gown, tired after just giving birth, like every other new mom photo.

Our new parent photos are Donald and I in chairs in the NICU unit, I am wearing a bright orange shirt and makeup so Josh could see me more clearly. The first time we saw Josh was after he was all cleaned up and in a diaper. We don’t have any sonograms (or 3-D sonograms!!) like some moms have in their scrapbooks. Josh has brown eyes, Donald and I both have blue. Josh was born with olivey skin and dark slightly curly hair, Donald and I were both very, very blonde when we were little. I didn’t buy maternity clothes, or have that panicked “Oh my gosh the pregnancy test is positive!” call to my husband.

What do we have?

On April 4, 2008, we got an email from our social worker that said simply, “Call me! I have good news!” Donald called her, spoke to her for about 45 minutes, then called me at work to tell me we’d be chosen to adopt a baby boy set to be induced April 16, 08. I got off the phone and hollared around at work to ANYONE around me that we were getting a baby! In 12 days, we converted our guest room to a nursery, bought clothes and bottles, figured out how FMLA worked, and had a family shower and a work shower.  On April 18, 2008, when we were leaving the hospital, Donald was in the backseat with Josh, and I was driving. Donald burst into tears and said, “I just can’t believe it, I just love him so much.” That’s the way it’s been, since that first night we took turns staying up all night with him, we knew he was ours because there was no one else. The nurses & our family gave us advice, but he was our responsibility, our child, our Joshua, and we loved him from the moment we saw him. Whenever I look at photos of him, or when I play with him or dance with him, I love him more.

This is so silly. Donald talks about the Three Amigos movie a lot (plus Donald is a huge Steve Martin fan). Well, the movie came on Friday night, and during the song “My little buttercup” Joshua was SQUEAKING and LAUGHING and JUMPING UP AND DOWN! It was hilarious! All I could say to Donald was, “He’s your kid!” It’s just funny little things like that, even though he doesn’t look like us, sometimes he’ll do things that I know God is telling us he’s our baby.

Josh is 19 pounds 5 oz. He is getting TOO BIG to carry in his car seat; I’ve started unbuckling him and leaving the seat in the car and carrying him around. Otherwise, he’s so heavy!

The past week he’s been standing on his own – pulling himself up on the couch, the playpen, the crib. He’s crawling around trying to get into everything – his newest fascinations are the remote, the computer, and my bags of embossing thread! My latest project is Joshua’s birth cross stitch I’ve done maybe 2 rows. I find it funny how quickly I got my nephew Jaxon’s cross stitch completed – I would come home from work & stitch for at least an hour.

Today I had to go to the dr. again – the Dr. thought I had pneumonia so I had a chest x-ray. Josh couldn’t be in there so the nurses held him – they were ooing and aaaing over how cute he is and how he patted them on the back while he was being held. He is a riot! He seems to be back to his cheerful self – his antibiotics seem to be kicking in.

He was cracking me up because he was putting his mouth on the side of his little tub and blowing raspberries. What a cutie!

Oh, and HE got 3rd place at work’s costume contest – his poor dad was chopped liver!!

On the food front: Josh has had carrots & some mashed grapes. I did some research online, and since he’s got a tooth he can have plain cheerios. Fun!

This is Jessie’s husband posting for her. I thought this was too good not to share!

This will be quick as I am tired….yesterday we got EVERYTHING out of our house and we moved into our house in Gardner. It was a huge blessing to have hired movers and Donald’s brother Drew helped us a lot with last minute items. Tomorrow the boys (Donald, Drew, and a friend of ours, Dave) are going to clear out the storage unit and put the stuff in the garage. Awesome!

It’s been tough being so tired and then basically being up all night with a baby…I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but today I hit my cracking point. We have made 4 trips to the cable place to get the cable put in our name. They kept stating that we needed various documentation to show we owned the house and/or the prior owners had to cancel the account. In the middle of FINALLY getting them to give us cable, Joshua was crying. I went out to the car to change his diaper; I laid him on the seat with the back door open. Some man was super impatient and was sarcastically saying “Oh, no, take your time, I don’t have anywhere to go.” What a jerk!

So, I scooped Joshua up quickly to take him to the other side of the car, a diaper loosely around his waist. Well, Joshua decided right then would be a good time to soak me, himself, the blanket, and then the seat of the car. I got him cleaned up as best I could and sat down to give him a bottle because he was hungry. In the middle of taking the cap off to put the nipple on, Joshua’s legs flailed and he dumped the formula all over me. So, I was sitting in the back seat of my Impala, covered in pee and formula, I had just been yelled at, and I burst into tears. I just kept thinking “I just want to take a shower, I haven’t showered since Monday….”

When Donald came out to the car after taking care of the cable business, he was sympathetic but I could tell he thought it was funny. I thought  “Well, it will BE funny in the future, but it’s not funny now.” My hubby took care of Joshua so I could change and take a good shower, and then we met with our social worker Susan for the last time. After this coming Wednesday, he is officially ours FOREVER!

We wrote the birthmom a letter…I’m not sure if she’ll read it, but I wanted to let her know how much we love Joshua and what a brave decision she made. It was good for us to write it.

Well, it’s 8:18 and the baby is sleeping…I’m going to bed!!!

My hubby tagged me to post 8 random facts about myself and to tag 6 other people. I don’t feel like tagging specific folks, but if you feel like posting 8 random facts about yourself, let me know! Shoot me a comment.

 1. I have two tattoos. One on my left lower calf, one on my right upper thigh

2. I am a natural blonde but I’ve been recently coloring my hair red

3. I am addicted to coffee

4. I have been having a better time OVERALL dealing with the infertility thing (no outbursts of anger, crying, or being unable to go to baby showers) but I still have my moments.

5. For the first time in my life I’m having a difficult time sleeping

6. My favorite tv shows are “Heroes” and “Mythbusters”

7. I am ready for a vacation to Hawaii

8. Selfishly, I really want a laptop and be able to work from home

Stephen Colbert…..he is funny….he gave a Knox College commencement address….and now, he has an ICE CREAM FLAVOR. What can this man not do?

On the home front, the kitchen is steam cleaned and ready for spackling and painting. My willpower to do anything on the house is fading!

I have skipped a lot of baby showers since dealing with the infertility junk. I am attending my first baby shower in a couple years on Saturday. Any of you have a hard time with baby showers?

Do adopted parents get baby showers?

I guess I can always throw myself one….

yes, it’s cute

This is one of those things. Hilarious!

This story was told to me by my husband. Remember, Cowboy is our cat.

My husband came home from work last night, and I had taped the academy awards. However, the tape ran out right before they were going to announce who won the award for best picture. I was asleep, and my husband asked me who won for best picture. I said “Cowboy.” A little bit later he asked me again, and I said “Cowboy.” Finally, after a little bit, he asked again, and I said “The departed.” He had to check online anyway just to make sure that I wasn’t delusional.

We do own the best cat in the world, but I don’t think he’ll be winning any academy awards….