I think my husband and I are stressed beyond anything. We love each other and we’re trying to keep plugging, but this has been a year filled with good and bad news. Trying to buy a house, sell a house, move, proceed with adoption….most days I’m okay but today I feel like I am numb I’m so tired. I want a vacation….we haven’t had any realtors to our house in almost 2 weeks so I’m getting a little concerned. No big trouble, I know other people are going through far worse and are having a much harder time, so I need to count my blessings.
Sometimes with this whole infertility thing I am calm, cool, and collected. Take last weekend for example. Two members of our “covenant group” (like a Bible Study) are pregnant. Most of the night’s conversation consisted of breast feeding. I enjoyed the conversation, I wasn’t ready to cry, and I didn’t say anything rude. One of the pregnant ladies at the beginning of the night asked me about how the adoption process was going, which was nice. I talked a little bit about how I feel badly because China says you can’t adopt their children if you’re overweight or on anti-depressents. I enjoyed listening to their mommy stories, and I didn’t get mad and leave. I was quite amazed at God’s grace to me, because that was a particularly hard thing to do, especially since my husband was not with me.
I skip that covenant group sometimes just because I can’t handle being around people with kids, because inevitably the conversation turns to birth stories and pregnancy stories. Sometimes, I just want to scream at people and ask them what their problem is. One of my husband’s friends, after he told him he was adopting, said “So, you’ve given up on having one of your own?” WHAT? You mean adopted kids won’t be our own? Now, this friend has rubbed me the wrong way the whole time in this adoption process. When I first mentioned to him about adoption, (this was a year or two ago) he said “No, this is way too early for you to think about adoption, there is a lot of other things you need to do first before you adopt, there are lots of fertility clinics around.” Okay, Master of my universe. I will get right on that, whatever you say.
So, with him, I’m already on edge, and I am always expecting nasty things to come out of his mouth as far as adoption. I really need to pray more, because whenever he says anything, the monster in me wants to come out and just lay it on him. It’s as if he is the master of every adoption cliche that any of us have ever heard. Do you have any ideas for how to respond to this friend?
Friday I went to work and I was in a sassy mood. I have been pretty quiet about the adoption thing, only my husband’s family and a few close friends know. I am tired of listening to other people talk about their pregnancies, how they can’t sleep at night, and how they heard the baby’s heart beat, etc. (I have one pregnant lady that sits by me and another that is friends with someone that is by me, so I hear them both talking all the time.) I want people to know we’re going to be getting a baby in a year or maybe a little more! I told my boss, all my co-workers that we’re going to start the adoption process once we get moved to Olathe. I asked my boss if it was okay for me to take a photo of myself at work for our home study, he said that was great. Cindy, the same teammate who said that I should adopt a Mexican baby so I could speak with it in Spanish, said “It’s exciting. It’s like you’re expecting a baby but it’s just a little different. You’re doing it this way rather than getting pregnant.” Man, I love that lady. She’s only 22 or so but she has said some great things that have made me feel better.
Yep, I’m expecting. We’re expecting. And if I need to listen to you tell me stories about breast feeding and how many hours you were in labor, you’re going to get stories on paperwork and adoption milestones.
I don’t feel like being quiet about this anymore! We’re adopting!
Isn’t it funny when you’re going through infertility babies seem to creep up everywhere?
At church today, I counted 6 babies in our church that have been born in the past month or so. It was just interesting to see them all go up in waves for communion.
My pastor’s wife has mentioned that our church is probably a difficult place to be when one is struggling with infertility, as there are so many babies being born.
Babies are a blessing, and I’m so glad that so many people are able to birth their own children without problems! It’s just difficult sometimes, wondering when it’s going to happen for us.
Still haven’t heard about the promotion yet; they said it would take a while. Hopefully, I will get some news this week!
Even if I don’t get a new promotion, my schedule will be a lot better beginning tomorrow. I used to work 2:30-11pm Monday-Friday, and now my schedule will be 10:00am-6:30pm. Yipee!
My husband I have been meeting monthly with someone from our church to go over our debt. This is usually a good time, and for the first time yesterday we brought up the adoption equation.
I hate to think of kids in terms of finances, but my husband and I are in a lot of student loan debt and other misc. debt. (Though, thankfully, the credit card debt and misc. we’ve whittled down quite a bit.) We are trying to be wise in our spending and follow the Crown financial principles, but my heart really aches for a child NOW. I don’t care how much it costs, or how much debt we get into, I just really want a child!
Our friend that discusses finances also brought up the fact that adoption not only has upfront costs, but the cost of parenting as well. Clothing, feeding, educating and caring for a child. I guess I feel torn with wanting to be financially responsible and have enough saved up for a child, and feeling as if I’m getting old because I will be 30 in March.
Also, a lot of our family and friends are in the Illinois/Indiana area, and we are considering moving there someday, especially if we have children. If I get a promotion here in Kansas, I will be locked in for 18 months until I can promote up into another job in Illinois (where there are more job opportunties).
Our friend from church that works with us on finances also said that maybe we aren’t meant to have children, but maybe we are just to be people who help children that aren’t necessarily our own. (I can’t remember the exact phrase he used, but it was something to the affect of maybe we aren’t meant to be parents by birth or adoption.) I guess that’s something that I’ve been praying through, if we are meant to be parents at all.
I don’t know why I want to be a mom, it’s just something I want! Maybe that’s just a selfish part of it, I can’t even explain it. I just know there are a lot of kids out there that need parents, a lot of orphans that don’t have homes, a lot of kids whose parents just don’t have the ability to care for their children. I know my husband would be a great dad, and I want to see him as a dad, and I guess that’s a big part of it. I want to be a mom, but even more than that, I really know my husband wants to be a dad.
I guess we’re just going to keep moving forward, and see where God opens and shuts doors. That was such a tough talk yesterday.
order of events
I may not be blogging for a while until something changes, my blog is depressing myself.
1. I get a higher paying job
2. Hubby get a steady job
3. We get ourselves a house (probably move to Olathe, KS)
4. Decide if we want to adopt international, domestic, foster care.
5. Take the appropriate classes.
6. Fill out paperwork
7. Pray a lot
8. pray some more
OR, someone could put a baby on our doorstep. C’mon! Email me, I’ll give you my address.
I hate having to count time in between my periods, and hoping every month that I’m pregnant.
My husband is working on getting another job, so hopefully that can lead to us buying a larger house. Then, we can start filling out home studies and work on the adoption process.
I am just tired of waiting and nothing happening, but it’s just seems like all these “things” have to be in order before we can proceed with the next step.
So, things are on hold, just plugging along until the new job for my husband shows up. Then, if we aren’t pregnant by then, I’m am sure we’ll begin all the applications full force.
Still haven’t decided what method of adoption: I’m enjoying reading others’ blogs to see what their experiences have been like. I know none of them are easy, and I don’t really know what I’m getting into until we’re in the middle of it.
It’s 1:22am here, so I will keep this short. I had a rough time driving home from work tonight. I periodically look on the foster care website to see what children in Kansas are up for adoption, and I looked at that site earlier this afternoon. It breaks my heart that there are kids that want parents and are looking for a “forever family.” It also just really upsets me that there are foster parents that have to jump through so many hoops, and deal with false accusations (check out Dad’s Highway). It just doesn’t seem fair, kids are waiting for parents, parents are waiting for kids…why does it seem like this impossible task? All I think about is how much it costs, how much training you have to go through, how much paperwork, photos…I guess it comes down to trust and money. We are in a lot of student loan debt, and I’m mad, I just feel like we’ll never make enough to pay off our debt, get ahead, and have enough left over to afford an adoption. I don’t know where to even start. My husband wants to keep trying to conceive, but how long do you let this go on? Three years is a long stinking time. Do we just say “well, we can’t afford to adopt, so forget it?” I guess my husband and I need to sit down and have another talk, and I guess I’m mad it’s not easy, it’s not a surprise. “Oh, look honey, two lines, we’re going to have a baby.” It’s buying a certain house, saving up money, filling out paperwork, talking to lawyers and agencies and being DELIBERATE about everything. I’m praying if there are kids out there that are meant to be with us that God will open those doors wide. I feel very, very disheartened and angry. I feel as if since we don’t have very much extra money every month that we aren’t going to be able to have children because we can’t afford it. I want to direct my energies at something, towards something, towards getting something accomplished. That’s why I want a new house. A new house with room for children, so we can photograph the house, put this in a home study, which may someday allow us to adopt children. Why are we working so hard to pay off debt? so when some social worker looks at our finances they can see that we have enough to adopt a child.
I guess my heart feels torn between what I want and my pocketbook, and I feel sick that what I’m worrying about is being able to have a child.
So much for a short post. goodnight.
Made an appointment today for July 24th to see a fertility specialist in Olathe, Kansas. My next visit with the naturopathic doctor is Tuesday, July 11th.
As I’ve been sharing with people, other women have shared their fertility struggles and it seems to be a lot more common than I once thought. I’ve had nothing but supportive comments and kind words from people when I share, though when people ask “Do you have kids?” or “When are you planning on having kids?” I really have to weigh what I’m going to say. Most times, if I don’t know the person very well, I just say “not yet.” If it’s someone from church that may know what is going on I share a little bit.
I keep plugging away at information regarding adoption but I feel there are a few more “hurdles” we have to jump through before we begin the adoption process. I have talked to folks about adoption, but we really haven’t begun the process or gotten any further in it. At our church there is the very beginning of an adoption support group, so I just feel very lucky that our church has a lot of members that have adopted, so we wouldn’t be going through that alone.
My husband did share that he would prefer to adopt a baby (as opposed to an older child), which is something we’ve never talked about before.
I am reading a book called “Overcoming Infertility“. I have been looking for a book like this that just educates on the different causes of infertility, the treatments, and I think I just want to feel more educated in talking with doctors.
I am doing okay. I just feel as if there are a few other things we want to try, but then once we’ve tried those things I think we’ll have another family meeting to discuss what to do next.
I’ve been crying a lot and just feel super-stressed out with all these appointments, paperwork, etc.
We’re taking a break. I had a complete meltdown on my way to work today.
Ironically enough, what helped me feel better was some Waterdeep. Fit my mood today, I can’t remember the name of the song that really got me. (How high and how deep is your love o Lord?)
Tests came back…thyroid is fine, and blood glucose, insulin and iron are all fine. Dr. Khosh just recommended that I eat small meals every two hours throughout the day to keep blood sugar level, as I tend to have low blood sugar. I also don’t have much stored iron, so I will want to eat foods that are higher in iron (he suggested Spinach and sardines. Yummy)
Basically, my weight gain has nothing to do with anything physical; diet and exercise. I guess it’s a relief that there is nothing wrong, but it’s frustrating that I’ve done this to myself. I am asking God for forgiveness for the sin of gluttony.
I suppose I’m projecting this on myself, but I imagine people thinking “Of course, she couldn’t carry a child, she is far too fat!” I think about that all the time now, and I really hate it. I am trying to stay positive and keep plugging on doing the right thing, but when I’m depressed and upset I want to eat! Which, doesn’t help, because I can’t be eating large meals for no reason because that would mess with my glucose!
Before I got married I did the Weigh Down diet and lost 60 pounds. Weigh Down ended up taking a blasphemous direction, so now I’m doing another similar Christian weight loss group, but it’s just online. I haven’t lost a lot of weight, but I think it’s kept me from falling into a pit of despair and just continuing to gain.
I am really tired of this…I guess I just need to quit whining and get on with it. There are a lot of people in a lot worse situations than mine. The infertility doesn’t bother me so much as the weight thing, I just feel very self-conscious and feel as if I’m being judged all the time. I guess I’m disappointed that there isn’t going to be a pill that can quickly fix it, it’s going to be up to me depending on God rather than food and doing what I need to do.
We also have no extra money for Weight Watchers or anything like that, so anything I do is going to have to completely be on my own. I am working a lot of overtime the next few months, but that is mostly to pay for all these additional medical expenses.
I have a test today on Commericial Insurance. I need to get studying.
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