On the Edge of a Cliff and Ready to Fly

There are things I think of & thoughts I have that I wonder if it’s appropriate or not to share. Friends and family read this blog, and I worry about being offensive. However, I am amazed by how infertility is such a mind £€%+ that I have to share my honest and unfiltered thoughts and opinions.

The only one in the world that gets my feelings and thoughts is my husband. The last 6 years…it seems like a blur and a trip through a desert. Two years of marriage, then that ‘let’s stop birth control and try to get pregnant.’ I remember we were actively trying to get pregnant in 05 when I started with my current company. I remember sharing with someone in the same group of new hires when she asked when we were having kids–the dreaded question. I shared a little bit of what we were going through, and we didn’t talk about it very much after that.

Fast forward to 2008 when I brought our baby into work for a visit. That same co-worker told my son “you are so loved, they waited a long time for you”. Wow; I had put our conversation in the back of my mind, just another ‘when are you having kids’ hurtful question that I had to endure.

The reason I’m telling this small story is that my life is full of these hurtful and sweet moments that are all tied together by red string. If you imagine the moments like photos tied to this string, and you twist the string one way or another, it looks like a sad and terrible life, or it looks hopeful and amazing.

When Donald and I got married, pastor bill told us “in your vows, you will hear ‘health’, ‘richer’, ‘forever’, ‘happiness’ But, you’re promising for the sickness, poor, dragging through when you don’t think you’re going to make it another moment. I had no idea what those vows meant, but I find myself reflecting back on them when life is tough. It makes the memories and promises sweeter. I married a man I had known less than a year, but I knew his character and his heart were true and could be trusted. If someone told me on our wedding day “you will be tested by money troubles, depression, family issues, death, infertility, health problems” and countless other issues that we haven’t seen yet. I still would have promised forever, because I trusted the God who put us together and that man in the tux waiting for me at the end of the aisle. I knew there was the strength of a lion partnered with a smart and gentle soul, I bet my life on it.

Watching ‘the Jane Austen book club’ last night with Donald hit a nerve. There is a marriage in the movie that’s in trouble. Well, at the end of the movie, the screenwriter demonstrated the couple was back together and happy by showing her very pregnant belly. Now, natural progression, you see it in movies and books all the time. Marriage & pregnancy and children.

Now if you look in on the movie or book of our life, there is no natural progression. There will be 9 years of marriage in January 2010. In these 9 years there’s been no mansion, no pregnant belly, no worry free lives. I had our house painted bright green in rebellion against being a normal house, normal family, predictable easiness.

You may look in at the end of the movie; she was thinking riches, health, happiness – in many ways she got the exact opposite of what she signed up for. You would expect to see a family nearly torn apart, nails scratched to the quick from climbing out of the darkness, from sliding down the rocky sides of dissapointment.

The darkness of our infertility is snuffed out by the glowing face of our Joshua. The longsuffering trials of our marriage are dull compared to being married to my best friend. You may look at us, odds against us surviving, but you don’t know God, and you don’t know us.

Tilt the images just a little to the left, & there’s the happiness, joy, & forever we promised. Even in the darkness & anguish, it’s there, even if it doesn’t look like what you thought it was supposed to be.

I am not sure what exactly is going on, but a biological father is contesting the adoption process of a family we know. This just makes me ill; during the pregnancy, he never supported the mother, and the mother picked this couple to parent her child. This child has been in their home since he was born.

I am not sure what is happening, but please pray for them. I don’t understand why adoption has to be so difficult and frightening sometimes.

Josh has been asserting independence lately and showing strong dislike when you don’t give him what he wants in a quick fashion. (I am trying to frame this as positively as possible)

Josh has been throwing full out, screaming, throwing himself on the floor tantrums.

Just today, while at Uncle Drew’s house, Josh was hungry. I gave him a mum-mum. When the mum-mum was half done, he spotted a cup of carrots in his diaper bag. He grabbed the carrots and handed them to me. I told him to finish his mum-mum first.

He threw the mum-mum on the floor, pointed vigorously at the cup of carrots, and thew himself down on the floor, hitting is head in the process, while I was trying to open the container and take it to the sink to drain!!

Tonight, he was crying and his face was beet red. I had given him tylenol earlier, and was working on giving him some orajel. He was laying on our bed and wailing just as loud as he could. I picked him up, carried him into the kitchen, and started to warm up a sippy of milk. When Joshua saw the sippy of milk, he started reaching for it and crying. I had to set him down so I could get the lid on the cup.

He folded himself over on the floor, placed his forehead down and started wailing loudly. I decided to take the sippy cup and walk away from him because he was so upset, telling him, “if you want your milk, you need to calm down and follow me.” When he saw me walking away with the sippy cup, he followed me into our bedroom, then threw himself on the floor again. I waited a bit till he calmed down some, then got him into our bed, and Donald fed him the milk.

I am not sure what is going on – I guess it’s normal (I should get out my parenting book and see.) I think his cousin Jaxon has had some terrible two type fits as well…. need to start reading all the parenting magazines and books that have been recommended to me over the years for ideas!!

Ever since we brought Josh home (and even in the hospital) we would feed him, change him, lay him in his bassinet and he would just fall asleep.

When we moved to our house in Gardner, we graduated Josh to his crib. Again, we could easily keep to a routine of bottle, dry diaper, bed, and he would go right to sleep. From June on he would sleep all the way through the night in his crib, which was AWESOME.

Lately, he has been crying and fussing and we get so tired we end up keeping him in bed with us. He sleeps great laying in between us. However, he will toss and turn, flop on us, bang his head on my side, turn himself around and nearly push me off the side. I have been tired from dealing with this the past couple weeks. (Donald I think sleeps through all this.) Work has been stressful, and not having good sleep is making me irritable.

It got to a terrible point this week of being stressed and tired and almost near a breakdown.

I needed to do something to feel better. I decided to join a gym last Thursday- my friend Jamie from work goes there and they have yoga. I arranged for my other work friend Natalie to watch Josh every Thursday night so I can go to a relaxation yoga class Thursday nights. They have a pretty extensive child care area, and everyone has background checks, so I’m going to try out taking Josh there to see how it works. I’ve gone and done arm weights, and I even felt better even after just doing that. I think this is going to be good to get away from everything at work and home and work out by myself. I just need to carve time out for it. A few years ago I went to the gym almost every day before work, and I felt awesome mentally and physically. I am really looking forward to having some “me” time at the gym!!

Donald, Josh, and I are all sick with some gunk. Sore throats, congestion. Josh seems to be the healthiest out of all of us; he got an antibiotic on Friday when we took him to the dr. His mucus had turned a fun shade of yellow/green, which the dr. confirmed was an infection. Donald is going to CVS today for their minute clinic before he goes to work. My fever is holding around 99.5; I am taking dayquill which is helping.

I had to push through and keep doing laundry and dishes; there is no other time to do it. I also had to grind up some carrots for baby food since we are almost out of squash and sweet potatoes. I guess I am whining here; but I wish I just had a few hours a week to do some deep cleaning on our house. I only have enough time every week to keep our house from totally sucuuming to deep chaos. I guess this is what every family goes through – especially when you have little ones.

Things are good, overall. Donald and I have to redo our budget and figure out what to do about the leaky basement. We think we’ve pinned it down to being from the sink. I think we forgot how much work a house is – we had done so much work on our old house (painting, windows, remodeling) that we got it in tip top shape, and now we’re starting over with all the remodeling and revamping! I think Donald and I have decided we aren’t going to move again….we’ll just add on.

Joshua is starting to pick his head up while being on his tummy! It’s so nuts….it was like he couldn’t do it one day, then all of a sudden he started doing it! He’s a fun baby.

Donald did some honey-do’s today – he fixed our fence (yeah!) so hopefully Luna can frolick in the yard again without running away!

STOP ASKING ME IF WE’RE PREGNANT. STOP TELLING ME STORIES ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS/FAMILY/COUSIN/DOG/CHICKEN/ROOTABEGA PIE THAT GOT PREGNANT AFTER THEY ADOPTED. I DON’T CARE. I DON’T WANT TO GET PREGNANT. I WANT TO BE A MOM TO MY SON JOSHUA.

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I have no words.

We found out within 24 hours 2 pieces of bad news:

Our new Gardner house appraisal came back low, which means our loan on our new house may not go through.

The guy buying our house somehow thought that he could have possession of our house on May 21st rather than May 31st. So, we need to get out of our current house and into our new house in less than 24 hours.

Luckily, the people in our new house are moving out this weekend, so they are GRACIOUSLY letting us start moving in early.

Our loan, however, is still up in the air. We may need to “rent” the house in Gardner for a while until we can find a loan, but it’s awesome that the people will buy the house from are even allowing us to do that. Not the ideal situation, but doable.
We were pretty angry and upset this morning, but we’ve calmed down. This was just nuts that things on both sides of our house selling and house buying experience were one big ________ (fill in the blank.)

Bleh. Thanks to everyone who is helping us with babysitting, packing, cleaning, etc. What a mess.

I am happy and freaked out at the same time. I was just realizing tonight that we move in LESS THAN 1 month…our movers are set to come to our Lawrence house at 1pm on Wed. May 21st and move all the furniture and heavy stuff to our Gardner house. We are set to close the paperwork at 10:00 am on Wednesday May 21st. I think I’ll have to find a babysitter that day..

I still have a lot to pack. Donald’s aunt is going to watch Joshua for a couple weekends so I can pack and clean, which I am very grateful for, but I just am stressed by everything that’s going on. I’ve been trying to stay in good spirits even though I’m going back to work earlier than I would like, but it’s what has to be done. Part of loving Joshua is making sure we have enough money to pay for his adoption, our new house, food and clothing for him, etc.

I’ve been trying to work on things around the house, but my days (and nights) have been filled with feeding, rocking, making formula, burping, changing diapers, changing clothes. I just get him settled and it’s time to restart it over again. I am happy to do it, but I’m concerned  as to how I’m going to do everything and care for him at the same time. Monday morning we have OUR house inspection, so I need to get our house cleaned up for that. *Another sigh.*

Thanks for listening to me vent.

Our H.R. rep said she’s checking with our Home office to see how other offices have handled adoption leave and if the leave can be paid out of my sick time. She advised that the answer may not change (that it might still be unpaid leave since it’s not a medical condition) but she’ll at least give us an answer tomorrow. Well, if it doesn’t pan out the way we wanted it to, at least we know we tried all our options.

Joshua takes really good naps. He likes looking up at the ceiling fan. I need to get out some books or pictures for him to look at. I can tell he’s able to focus on me or Donald and he is looking at us. After a bottle, he likes to snuggle right up against our necks. He is the BEST baby ever!