Things are good, overall. Donald and I have to redo our budget and figure out what to do about the leaky basement. We think we’ve pinned it down to being from the sink. I think we forgot how much work a house is - we had done so much work on our old house (painting, windows, remodeling) that we got it in tip top shape, and now we’re starting over with all the remodeling and revamping! I think Donald and I have decided we aren’t going to move again….we’ll just add on.
Joshua is starting to pick his head up while being on his tummy! It’s so nuts….it was like he couldn’t do it one day, then all of a sudden he started doing it! He’s a fun baby.
Donald did some honey-do’s today - he fixed our fence (yeah!) so hopefully Luna can frolick in the yard again without running away!
STOP ASKING ME IF WE’RE PREGNANT. STOP TELLING ME STORIES ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS/FAMILY/COUSIN/DOG/CHICKEN/ROOTABEGA PIE THAT GOT PREGNANT AFTER THEY ADOPTED. I DON’T CARE. I DON’T WANT TO GET PREGNANT. I WANT TO BE A MOM TO MY SON JOSHUA.
I DIDN’T ADOPT JOSHUA TO GET PREGNANT. –>
I have no words.
We found out within 24 hours 2 pieces of bad news:
Our new Gardner house appraisal came back low, which means our loan on our new house may not go through.
The guy buying our house somehow thought that he could have possession of our house on May 21st rather than May 31st. So, we need to get out of our current house and into our new house in less than 24 hours.
Luckily, the people in our new house are moving out this weekend, so they are GRACIOUSLY letting us start moving in early.
Our loan, however, is still up in the air. We may need to “rent” the house in Gardner for a while until we can find a loan, but it’s awesome that the people will buy the house from are even allowing us to do that. Not the ideal situation, but doable.
We were pretty angry and upset this morning, but we’ve calmed down. This was just nuts that things on both sides of our house selling and house buying experience were one big ________ (fill in the blank.)
Bleh. Thanks to everyone who is helping us with babysitting, packing, cleaning, etc. What a mess.
I am happy and freaked out at the same time. I was just realizing tonight that we move in LESS THAN 1 month…our movers are set to come to our Lawrence house at 1pm on Wed. May 21st and move all the furniture and heavy stuff to our Gardner house. We are set to close the paperwork at 10:00 am on Wednesday May 21st. I think I’ll have to find a babysitter that day..
I still have a lot to pack. Donald’s aunt is going to watch Joshua for a couple weekends so I can pack and clean, which I am very grateful for, but I just am stressed by everything that’s going on. I’ve been trying to stay in good spirits even though I’m going back to work earlier than I would like, but it’s what has to be done. Part of loving Joshua is making sure we have enough money to pay for his adoption, our new house, food and clothing for him, etc.
I’ve been trying to work on things around the house, but my days (and nights) have been filled with feeding, rocking, making formula, burping, changing diapers, changing clothes. I just get him settled and it’s time to restart it over again. I am happy to do it, but I’m concerned as to how I’m going to do everything and care for him at the same time. Monday morning we have OUR house inspection, so I need to get our house cleaned up for that. *Another sigh.*
Thanks for listening to me vent.
Our H.R. rep said she’s checking with our Home office to see how other offices have handled adoption leave and if the leave can be paid out of my sick time. She advised that the answer may not change (that it might still be unpaid leave since it’s not a medical condition) but she’ll at least give us an answer tomorrow. Well, if it doesn’t pan out the way we wanted it to, at least we know we tried all our options.
Joshua takes really good naps. He likes looking up at the ceiling fan. I need to get out some books or pictures for him to look at. I can tell he’s able to focus on me or Donald and he is looking at us. After a bottle, he likes to snuggle right up against our necks. He is the BEST baby ever!
Our adoption leave is totally unpaid, because it’s not a medical condition. So, I was only going to take a week or so unpaid off work, but it looks as if that isn’t going to pan out. I am going to have to go back to work on Monday, April 28th. Hubby is going to take some intermittent leave on Mondays and Tuesdays for the meantime. The expenses are just high right now and it’s cheaper for Hubby to miss work than for me to miss work.
*Sigh* I was hoping to be home a little longer with this little guy.
WARNING: This post is very bitter and mean. I’m having a bad day. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Thursday hubby and I met our social worker for the first time. Turned over our stack of paperwork, our names and addresses of references, and $50. We have another stack to fill out: The financial stuff and our physicals from our doctors.
I am happy that this is done, but I have found myself very depressed this week. Ironically enough, it’s because I’m up for a promotion. Why would a promotion cause depression, might you ask? Well, it’s hard to explain. I only have so many hours in the day, and right now, my extra time has to be spent studying for exams and interviews for my promotion. This is time that I won’t have to spend on our homestudy. It seems as if every time we get a little further down the road a roadblock comes up. Now, when you’re pregnant, you’re pregnant. The baby is coming in 9 months whether you like it or not. But when you’re adopting, everything is relative to you having meetings, filling out paperwork, and waiting for an opportunity to come along. Our social worker did say to us “Now, this is your labor.” and I understand the reason for the paperwork; they want to protect the children being put up for adoption. But I find it frustrating, and slow, and the process depends on me pushing it along. Every crisis that happens, every extra hour I have to spend on work, slows it down, and it feels as if we’ve been on this journey for longer than 4 years, it feels like 30.
We went to a family reunion today and stayed 15 minutes. I just couldn’t take it. Some days I’m fine, sometimes it feels like someone has hit me in the chest with a brick. We were sitting at a table with a baby in a car seat on the table. The mom starts talking about her labor, and how she was induced, etc. etc. There were two or 3 pregnant women, and lots of children running around. I feel like an evil witch, but I couldn’t take it. I feel like I am the freak that can’t get pregnant in those situations. I can’t be around kids sometimes, and I hate that, because I love kids, but it just hurts. It’s just a reminder that I don’t have them, I have no idea why, and then on top of it the process seems so slow. I know others out there have had longer to deal with this, or have miscarriages, or have lost children when they’re born.
I like to think of myself as a strong person that has been through a lot, and been successful, and barged through, and made it, and carved things out for myself. But not being able to have kids has just knocked me down, knocks the wind out of me, makes me feel miserable and like a failure and as if it’s all my fault. I don’t want to see people, I don’t want to see moms with babies, I don’t want to hear your birth story, and I am a bawling mess. I hate myself when I am like this — some days I am strong and I keep focused on adopting and I think about our future children and how much fun they will be — but some days I hate everyone that has kids and I don’t want to be around people. I know people don’t mean it, but I feel like it’s being rubbed in my face, and so I need to go away by myself and cry and pray for a while, and then I’m better. It’s just a bad day. I have to have faith that it will get better, and we’ll get through, but I hate myself when I’m like this.
It’s like I turn into the Evil Infertility Monster or Debbie Downer or something, I am angry, crying, sad, and I don’t want to be happy. But I know it’s a bad day, I’ve had them before and gotten through them, I’ll probably have them some more and get through them, but today it feels like it’s the end of the world, and I would rather cry and be by myself than be reminded of what I don’t have.
My husband joked that we’re bored. We are currently trying to sell our house, buy a house, put a book together for potential birth moms, meeting with social workers….everything is swirling around us at once! AND, work has been the busiest and most stressful for me that it’s been so far! Yipee!
The first meeting with social worker S.T. to start the home study is scheduled for June 13th.
We found a house we LOVE with this huge backyard, we made an offer, but the realtor selling that house couldn’t get a hold of the sellers. Well, by the time they got a hold of the sellers ANOTHER offer was made on the house. The other offer I guess is similar to our offer, but there is no contingency on it. Our offers all say “we can only make this offer and buy it if our own house sells.” So, I am expecting they will take the other person’s offer over ours since they can buy the house free and clear. That’s what I would do.
so, I’m trying to prepare myself for the next round of looking at homes. Also, we have been talking with our adoption attorney about adoption fees. They come in around 11,000 to 12,000. There are tax credits (that is one good thing Bush administration has done that we’re greatful for) where you get most if not all of the money back that you’ve put into the adoption. However, the trick is having the money the previous year to throw out there for it. Hubby and I feel like we’ve been waiting forever for kids, and now everythng is happening at once, and I hate it that we have to think about if we can shell out that much money at once to adopt a child. We need to buy a bigger house that’s closer to work just to make our lives easier and have more room for child(ren), but then that brings down how much extra money we have to put into adoption. I had looked into grants from work but I guess our employer doesn’t do that. It just all seems very frustrating and unfair (as it always will), but we know other people have adopted and they’ve made it through this experience and it’s worked out in the end.
We found another house we liked so we made an offer - another flurry of signing paperwork and faxing it in to our realtor. We will see if they accept the offer or if we need to counter with a higher offer. Our mortgage guy is trying to get sellers to pay all our closing costs, and we have a contingency on it that our house has to sell, so those are things that may not look as good to a seller. However, we feel like making a full price offer helps to sweeten the deal when we have the contingency and high closing costs - so we’ll have to see how it works out!
We really, really like the house. It has a HUGE backyard and an open upstairs floor plan - the only reason you would have to go downstairs would be for the office and laundry, but it’s nicer than our current plan because you don’t have to walk up a flight of stairs to get in the house with groceries and such, so that will be good.
I am also having a bummed out day - even thought exciting things are happening I feel as if it’s going to take a lot of money and a lot of time to adopt (which it will.) Sometimes I just wish it were faster and easier, but I guess nothing in life that’s worth it is easy and fast. I hope when I’m frustrated and sleep deprived and my kid has wrecked our car or messed up our house by scribbling on the wall that I will remember that we wanted our kids so very much we spent so much time, effort, and money on getting them!
I think my husband and I are stressed beyond anything. We love each other and we’re trying to keep plugging, but this has been a year filled with good and bad news. Trying to buy a house, sell a house, move, proceed with adoption….most days I’m okay but today I feel like I am numb I’m so tired. I want a vacation….we haven’t had any realtors to our house in almost 2 weeks so I’m getting a little concerned. No big trouble, I know other people are going through far worse and are having a much harder time, so I need to count my blessings.
« Previous Entries
