Sunday Joshua gets baptized at our new church, which is really exciting. I didn’t realize all the family that is coming into town; my aunt and uncle MIGHT be able to come, but they won’t know until the last minute. I’m putting together a brunch for everyone to have after the baptism (an idea I stole from Heather and Gretchen - they did brunches after their kids’ baptisms, I thought it was a cool idea…) It’s just been rough getting unpacked and getting the house clean. My mother in law is going to stay with us one day this week and she offered to watch Joshua so Donald can do some unpacking. Everything we do in the house needs to be scheduled!
Donald had a “date” to watch Joshua on Saturday so I could get up early and scrub the basement floor! I thought the stains were from our cats that had been making messes, so I scrubbed the whole floor, on my hands and knees, with a brush. Well, after I got it scrubbed, I realized the spots aren’t from the cats (as they’ve been out of our house about 5 days) but the basement is leaking! It’s a slow leak that I think is coming from the outdoor faucet and pooling through the wall. It’s gross looking, and I’m very upset about it. It was just the last straw. When we moved into our new house it was filthy, so we’ve been slowly trying to get it all cleaned up. The previous owners left TONS of junk that we had to pay to have hauled away, and the lawn was about 3 foot tall, so we had to hire someone to mow it for $60. We paid the prior owners rent until our mortgage closed, and we overpaid them for 2 days, and now they won’t return our realtor’s calls to repay us the 2 days rent! It was very nice of the prior owners to let us move in while we were dealing with our mortgage fiasco, but this whole experience has been so upsetting. I’ve had to pray a lot because I feel like I am just so mad about the whole house situation instead of being grateful, which is something I need to work on. It is a great house, and we have a great kid and a great marriage, but all these dumb house things with the old owners hit me this week when I realized the basement was leaking. And, it’s a slow leak, which typically isn’t covered by insurance - insurance typically covers pipe bursting and the like. So, that’s where I am. A house full of boxes that I never seem to have time to unpack, a leaky basement, and a lot of family coming into town this weekend. Wish me luck !
That reminds me….What in the world did I DO all day before being a parent? I am barely able to keep up on the dishes and laundry, but I feel MORE productive than I did before Joshua. I just think I was in a daze of depression from infertility or I just didn’t have very good time management skills because we had a lot of free time. I remember doing nothing when I got home from work but play video games. Now every night I’m feeding, changing, playing with Joshua, trying to take care of Luna, work on bills, put in some dishes or some laundry, and fit in some blogging on the side. I am running all day long, and I am so worn out! What did I DO all the time before we had him?!?!
So often Donald and I would see a movie spontaneously, or go out to eat, or just decide to shop for something (mostly some gadget at Best Buy). We had a lot of extra money and could do as we pleased without really planning anything. I loved just being with Donald, but after a while it got boring and kind of sad to be the only couple without kids.
You end up feeling alone and out of it, because everyone else you know has kids, and talks about their kids and what is going on with them. You grow apart from people because it just hurts to much to put yourself in situations with people with kids, so you lose friends. So, being childless had its good points and bad points, and it just hit me today how we’re in a new era in our lives. We had to redo our will and pick guardians for Joshua if something happens to us. We also need to redo our budget to save money for our next adoption. We’re thinking of ways to get coupons and save money for diapers and formula, and we’ve practically BEGGED everyone we know at work for hand-me-downs! We are those annoying people that won’t stop talking about their child and have 500 photos of him up at work. If I would have talked to myself a couple years ago, I would have driven myself nuts!
**We still haven’t gotten Joshua’s birth certificate! That is the final piece of the puzzle, to finally have it with Donald and mine’s names on it!
We’ve been “almost done” with our home study for a few weeks now. Our social worker has had to deal with the death of a close friend, so she has had to cancel our last few appointments. We have sent in our background checks to the state, but we still need to send in our fingerprints and background check request to the FBI. Hopefully, we can get the homestudy done in December or January at the latest.
Hubby’s dad is staying with us for a few weeks. He works at a golf course and gets laid off every winter, so he’s using this time to make some extra money by helping friends and family with handiman type work. It’s amazing the things he can do. He’s specifically going to help us get our house ready to put back on the market. We’ve planned on finishing repainting, new flooring (laminate, which should be cat proof), and a new kitchen stove.
Tomorrow morning (if it doesn’t ice over) we’re supposed to take some boxes to our storage unit to begin clearing things so we have more room in the garage for the remodeling project.
A week ago we got a puppy! We’ve been waiting and looking into getting a corgi puppy for the past few years, and we finally decided to get one. I’ve been in the dumps emotionally about everything lately, so a puppy has been a good distraction. My medicine I think has kept me out of a deep, dark depression, but I’m pretty upset and heartsick about the infertility issues. I scheduled an appointment with a counselor for 2 weeks from now, and I cannot wait. Some days I’m fine, some days I can hardly function. It’s hard to explain or understand.
Found out today that my WORK LAPTOP has been SHIPPED! I am so excited, you have no idea. One of my friend’s from work keeps teasing me, saying that I DON’T want a laptop, as that means I’ll be forced to be salaried and not get overtime and work from home! Oh well. I am just very excited, as this has been my first grown up job, and my first job that I’ve been really successful at.
They haven’t made the official announcement that we’re in the Claims Leadership Development group, but I believe the official notice should be sent out by the end of the week or next week. They have to wait until everyone in a particular “class” (this class size being 9) passes their interviews and tests, and once everyone passes everything they send out a group email that the class has begun for Claims Leadership Development. Highly exciting!
The rough emotional personal part is that I just keep thinking how unfair it is that we haven’t had kids yet. Now, I am trying to work on not becoming a bitter and angry basket case. I am also trying not to count the number of pregnant women I see walk by me every day. My husband said something encouraging to me today, he said “Not everyone makes as much money as we do to be able to adopt. I think God is showing us something in this.”
I have sat here for a few moments and thought about it. A couple years ago my husband and I were in a lot of debt, hardly making ends meet, and we talked with someone who worked with us on Crown Financial principles. I just was looking at our financial situation and thinking “There is no way we can afford to adopt. There is no way, we don’t even make enough to support ourselves.” I prayed, and prayed, wondering how we would get enough money to adopt. I put it out of my mind for awhile and just kept plugging at my job.
Well, what God has done is given me three promotions in 18 months. My salary quadrupled from what it was 4 years ago. We have great benefits and the possibility of hubby having 3 days off a week to be home with a baby. Where a couple years ago I was discouraged and thought it was impossible I see where doors have been opened. Life isn’t fair sometimes, and I may always be sad about not being able to get pregnant and have a child, but I would never have thought we would be able to earn enough to adopt. Honestly, we don’t NEED all this extra income. God has been gracious in giving it to us so we can feel more able to adopt.
I am not saying you must be SUPER rich to adopt, because that is a misnomer, but it helps to have extra income and not feel so strapped. It helps so much to know what we’re working so hard for; there are kids that need homes, and that is where our money is going towards, giving these kids a home.
No, it’s not what you think.
This morning I had my adoption physical. My Dr. and I were laughing today about it because there is a question on there that asks “Do you think this person would be fit to parent?” And she mentioned that almost all adoption physicals ask a question like that somewhere in the form. How in the WORLD do you answer a question like that? My doctor told me that I shouldn’t have any problems as far as the physical goes: she said if there are any problems with me having been diagnosed with depression to let me know and she can do an additional write up on me.
It was funny how she described my depression, though. She just wrote “Depression due to infertility.” Yea, I guess that sums it up. I think that’s been the thing that’s been the toughest to deal with. I also had a yearly female exam (I guess that’s the polite way to say it). I was half naked, with my feet in the stirrups, and she’s asking me all these questions for the physical while I’m laying down in that position. I had to keep myself from giggling.
I also had another TB test that needs to be read bright and early Monday morning. Since all my previous jobs were all in some time of health care field, I think I’ve had at least 15 tb tests. Hopefully, I still don’t have it!
Hubby gets his physical on Tuesday. Then, there is the references everyone should have gotten in the mail by now to fill out. We have to get 2 credit references, fill out our budget and gather up our past 2 years of tax returns. Me and one of my team mates were talking about the irony at work: Anybody can get pregnant if they want, but it’s such a big darn deal to get approved to adopt.
This is what it is. I’m trying to stay focused and give myself pep talks: if it’s meant to be it will happen. I just feel sometimes that all this work will be for nothing: kind of like getting our house on the market and waiting and waiting and nothing is happening. We’ve done most everything we can within our control, but now we have to wait, because there is nothing left for us to do.
I know it’s the weekend, and the adoption lawyer wasn’t in, so I went ahead and emailed her! I have been anxious all weekend, thinking about kids and babies….My husband told me that he was dreaming about babies last night as well. He dreamt that someone from work told him that they knew several moms that needed to give up their babies. I think it’s been weighing heavily on our hearts and minds, especially around the holiday season.
I feel so much better doing something rather than just waiting. I blog because I want to talk to other women (and hubbies) who have been there, from all over. I don’t feel so alone, and when I hear about moms and their kiddos it gives me hope to keep going and keep plugging away at this big mountain.
Isn’t it strange, how weeks will go by, and you won’t feel anxious and depressed about infertility, but sometimes it’s like this unbearable weight that all you can think about? This week has felt like a ton of bricks. I hate it.
Someone near my cubicle at work is pregnant, so sometimes I hear all my coworkers asking her questions “when are you due, how are you feeling?” etc. I’m happy for people that are expecting, and I pray everything goes well, but I just can’t be around pregnant people (which has always been hard at my church…since it’s so large, there is always someone or multiple people I know that are pregnant).
Also, whenever groups of women get together, they, naturally, want to talk about children, childbirth, and they compare notes about who had the worst labor, the worst morning sickness, and how busy they are with their children. I just have to walk away from the discussion. I feel like Bridget Jones sometimes, in that scene where she is the only single person in a group of married people, and they look at her as if she is such a weirdo for not being married. I guess we all go through periods in our lives where we feel odd, left out, going through life at a little different pace than everyone else.
A co-worker didn’t realize I was married, and she asked me how long I have been married. I answered “6 years in January.” Then comes the inevitable question “So, are you guys not going to have kids or you don’t want to have kids?” When she asked, it didn’t hurt as much as it normally does when people ask me that question. I just said, happily and proudly, “No, we’re going to adopt!” Then, she said something I thought was so cute. She’s on my team, and all of us speak Spanish in our job. She said “You should adopt a little Mexican baby, there are so many in orphanages, then you can speak Spanish with it!” I didn’t point out the fact that most babies don’t speak…I just was so tickled that she was just happy for me, and then she said “Man, I would love to adopt kids, I need to get going on that, too! There are just so many kids that need good homes!”
So, if you seek any babies that speak Spanish that need good homes, you know who to refer them to!
Sometimes I eat because I’m honestly hungry and I enjoy what I’m eating. Sometimes I eat a lot of food for no good reason. I leave work at 11pm, and I have this bad habit of running through the drive-thru on the way home.
Am I hungry? No, just anxious and want something to calm me down.
I can drink 1 beer and be satisfied, I can keep away from smoking, I don’t do drugs.
However, food is really hard for me to stay away from. I use it as a way to relax and feel better,
which I know isn’t right.
Tests came back…thyroid is fine, and blood glucose, insulin and iron are all fine. Dr. Khosh just recommended that I eat small meals every two hours throughout the day to keep blood sugar level, as I tend to have low blood sugar. I also don’t have much stored iron, so I will want to eat foods that are higher in iron (he suggested Spinach and sardines. Yummy)
Basically, my weight gain has nothing to do with anything physical; diet and exercise. I guess it’s a relief that there is nothing wrong, but it’s frustrating that I’ve done this to myself. I am asking God for forgiveness for the sin of gluttony.
I suppose I’m projecting this on myself, but I imagine people thinking “Of course, she couldn’t carry a child, she is far too fat!” I think about that all the time now, and I really hate it. I am trying to stay positive and keep plugging on doing the right thing, but when I’m depressed and upset I want to eat! Which, doesn’t help, because I can’t be eating large meals for no reason because that would mess with my glucose!
Before I got married I did the Weigh Down diet and lost 60 pounds. Weigh Down ended up taking a blasphemous direction, so now I’m doing another similar Christian weight loss group, but it’s just online. I haven’t lost a lot of weight, but I think it’s kept me from falling into a pit of despair and just continuing to gain.
I am really tired of this…I guess I just need to quit whining and get on with it. There are a lot of people in a lot worse situations than mine. The infertility doesn’t bother me so much as the weight thing, I just feel very self-conscious and feel as if I’m being judged all the time. I guess I’m disappointed that there isn’t going to be a pill that can quickly fix it, it’s going to be up to me depending on God rather than food and doing what I need to do.
We also have no extra money for Weight Watchers or anything like that, so anything I do is going to have to completely be on my own. I am working a lot of overtime the next few months, but that is mostly to pay for all these additional medical expenses.
I have a test today on Commericial Insurance. I need to get studying.
I am starting to feel depressed again. Went to the gym this morning and weighed 279. This is upsetting because I feel as if I’ve been working out more than I have in a long time. It’s a strange cycle because I work out but feel very, very tired after just small bursts of exercise.
Am I fooling myself? Am I really not doing very much? Donald and I met with an introductory group for Crown Financial Ministries to help us with budgeting and our finances. This week the homework is to do a budget of previous spending and then a budget of what we hope for when Donald has a job.
Bob D. warned me not to get too overworked and lose my current job. I would prefer to just work a lot but I know that it’s harder to have a balanced life.
I am hopeful about the money thing, my job is starting a weight watchers group that is $144.00 for 12 weeks. The Crown Financial Ministries is $55.00 for 10 weeks.
I feel as if I’ve thrown so much money at my weight and my health I am really, really sick of it. I am not binge eating any more like I used to, but it’s still frustrating that I don’t see any results at all. I do feel better, and I’ve been without my medications for at least 3 or 4 months, but I am just upset that my weight keeps creeping up.
It’s a lifelong battle, but I’m finding it very frustrating. I don’t struggle with alcohol or drugs, but this food thing is making me very, very angry. I don’t want to be at work, I don’t want to be at home, and over the past couple weeks I’ve felt very depressed again. I used to like to go work out, but now I hate it cause it doesn’t make me feel better…it just makes me feel tired. I would like to go to the doctor, but we have no money to go to the doctor.
I left my Bible at home. I’m going to look up some scripture on www.gospelcom.net . I’ll spare you all any more of my bad attitude.
I have been feeling a little odd…I weighed myself at the gym yesterday and I am still at 270 pounds. I am 5′4″, which means I am in the obese category. I did weights yesterday (a variety of arms and legs) and today 20 minutes of cardio. I got my heart rate up to 160 beats per minute. An article on the wall of the gym gives a formula on how many calories to eat to lose weight….my calorie intake should be 1750 daily to safely lose weight. I have eaten 2 chocolate chip muffins today, each 450 calories, so I’ve already eaten 900 calories, which leaves 850 left for the rest of the day. I have done Weight Watchers, which boils down calories and fat into points & makes it simpler to keep track. I am determined to lose this weight for my health, and use this blog to track and stay accountable to what I’m doing. I doubt anyone is reading my blog, but it will be a good picture of my transformation. I will post pictures as soon as I’m able….I was so upset when I saw the wedding pictures at my brother-in-law’s wedding and the way I looked. I just looked so huge! I miss when I weighed 180 pounds when my husband and I got married. I still had weight to lose, but I felt so much better. I lost 40 pounds (went from 222 to 180) from doing a program called Weigh Down. Gwen Shamblin has since started her own Church (a cult really: Remnant Fellowship. They do not believe in the Trinity, which is a fundamental Christian belief) so my church doesn’t really want me teaching classes with her materials. I have gotten involved with Thin Within, a Christian weight loss system that started before Weigh Down did, but has a lot of the same principles. I am a member so I can access all the content, and I am seeing a counselor, Emma W., who deals with eating disorders. It’s been helpful. Every little change makes a difference, so even though I’m not seeing results, I need to trust that they are going to show up!
