Archive for December, 2007
1. Hubby and I went to the post office together to mail off our FBI background check request and fingerprints for our homestudy. The social worker specifically told us to write “adoption” in big, red letters on the outside of the envelope. When we did this, the dark red ink smeared. Hubby commented, “It looks like we wrote adoption in our own blood! Was that part of the deal, to write it in blood?”
2. I had a good session with my counselor a couple weeks ago, since lately dealing with this has been very, very rough. Every month we go through the roller coaster of hoping, wishing, and finally disappointment. I have come to face the fact that we will not be able to get pregnant. We have been trying for 4 years, and you have to be realistic and stop hoping sometime. I don’t want to sound cruel or cynical, but for pete’s sakes, half of what I talked to my counselor about was the stuff people say to me that makes me nuts. “Oh, when you adopt, you’ll get pregnant” or “You shouldn’t feel bad or grieve that you haven’t gotten pregnant, because you haven’t been told for sure that you can’t.” I don’t even know what to say to those comments. I want to talk about ADOPTION. I am done talking about getting pregnant, trying to get pregnant, ideas for how to get pregnant, or fertility centers. When my counselor and I were talking, I think she expressed it well. She said “You can’t live in this place where there are ‘what ifs’, you’ve moved on and are ready to embrace adoption, but it feels like no one else around you is ready for it. They aren’t ready for YOU to give up, so they keep bringing it up. You’ve moved on to adoption, and other people aren’t following you. They think they’re telling you what you want to hear, they think they’re giving you hope, but they don’t understand they’re dragging you backwards to a place you don’t want to be.” That’s exactly what it feels like, I’ve moved on and other people aren’t ready to move on, they’re holding onto hope that I gave up on. I keep talking about adopting, our homestudy process, and people keep bringing up pregnancy, or the hope that I’ll get pregnant, or the fact I might get pregnant, but I am done with that. Ask me about ADOPTION, because that’s what we’re dealing with. 4 years is a long time to not get pregnant when you’ve been tracking your cycles. Even though I haven’t been told for sure why, I think we qualify as belonging to the Infertility Club, I think 4 years gives me the right to move on, so please, move on with me.
3. My hubby, whom I love more dearly than ever, said to me the other night, “Hey honey, the roller coaster is starting. Put your hands up. WEEEEE!” I couldn’t stop laughing at him and the way he said it, and the way he dramatically flew his hands up over his head. I find it suiting that I hate roller coasters in real life as much as I hate the proverbial infertility roller coaster. Yuck.
We scheduled our last visit with our social worker for the week my hubby and I are on vacation to get our house ready to put on the market. Our social worker will come to our house, make sure our home is fit for a baby, and finish up our couple and individual interviews. It will be a marathon day!
After that, everything is done. We’ll just be waiting again for the next step.