On Wednesday I had an interview to be accepted into a Claims Leadership Development program. The CLD program is an 8 week program in which you learn about leadership, managing people, follow field claims representatives, and take a trip to home office for a week. In order to be accepted, you have to pass a difficult interview and pass various exams.
I passed the interview on Wednesday, and then on November 7, 2007 I have my final exam. Between now and December I am going to be filling in for supervisors. I am very excited about my promotion and I am glad the interview is over, it took a couple weeks of preparation. Now, I need to begin studying to the exam.
We’ve turned in half our paperwork for the homestudy and completed our physicals. We’re going to meet with our social worker for one on one meetings sometime in the next two weeks. We have a few forms left: our budget, fingerprints, and an affidavit that needs a notary. We haven’t heard from our attorney on our “we’re adopting” letter, the last we heard she just emailed us to say she was swamped and she woud look at it when she could. So, we’re plugging ahead and it’s exciting that we’re almost done with the home study part.
No, it’s not what you think.
This morning I had my adoption physical. My Dr. and I were laughing today about it because there is a question on there that asks “Do you think this person would be fit to parent?” And she mentioned that almost all adoption physicals ask a question like that somewhere in the form. How in the WORLD do you answer a question like that? My doctor told me that I shouldn’t have any problems as far as the physical goes: she said if there are any problems with me having been diagnosed with depression to let me know and she can do an additional write up on me.
It was funny how she described my depression, though. She just wrote “Depression due to infertility.” Yea, I guess that sums it up. I think that’s been the thing that’s been the toughest to deal with. I also had a yearly female exam (I guess that’s the polite way to say it). I was half naked, with my feet in the stirrups, and she’s asking me all these questions for the physical while I’m laying down in that position. I had to keep myself from giggling.
I also had another TB test that needs to be read bright and early Monday morning. Since all my previous jobs were all in some time of health care field, I think I’ve had at least 15 tb tests. Hopefully, I still don’t have it!
Hubby gets his physical on Tuesday. Then, there is the references everyone should have gotten in the mail by now to fill out. We have to get 2 credit references, fill out our budget and gather up our past 2 years of tax returns. Me and one of my team mates were talking about the irony at work: Anybody can get pregnant if they want, but it’s such a big darn deal to get approved to adopt.
This is what it is. I’m trying to stay focused and give myself pep talks: if it’s meant to be it will happen. I just feel sometimes that all this work will be for nothing: kind of like getting our house on the market and waiting and waiting and nothing is happening. We’ve done most everything we can within our control, but now we have to wait, because there is nothing left for us to do.
WARNING: This post is very bitter and mean. I’m having a bad day. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Thursday hubby and I met our social worker for the first time. Turned over our stack of paperwork, our names and addresses of references, and $50. We have another stack to fill out: The financial stuff and our physicals from our doctors.
I am happy that this is done, but I have found myself very depressed this week. Ironically enough, it’s because I’m up for a promotion. Why would a promotion cause depression, might you ask? Well, it’s hard to explain. I only have so many hours in the day, and right now, my extra time has to be spent studying for exams and interviews for my promotion. This is time that I won’t have to spend on our homestudy. It seems as if every time we get a little further down the road a roadblock comes up. Now, when you’re pregnant, you’re pregnant. The baby is coming in 9 months whether you like it or not. But when you’re adopting, everything is relative to you having meetings, filling out paperwork, and waiting for an opportunity to come along. Our social worker did say to us “Now, this is your labor.” and I understand the reason for the paperwork; they want to protect the children being put up for adoption. But I find it frustrating, and slow, and the process depends on me pushing it along. Every crisis that happens, every extra hour I have to spend on work, slows it down, and it feels as if we’ve been on this journey for longer than 4 years, it feels like 30.
We went to a family reunion today and stayed 15 minutes. I just couldn’t take it. Some days I’m fine, sometimes it feels like someone has hit me in the chest with a brick. We were sitting at a table with a baby in a car seat on the table. The mom starts talking about her labor, and how she was induced, etc. etc. There were two or 3 pregnant women, and lots of children running around. I feel like an evil witch, but I couldn’t take it. I feel like I am the freak that can’t get pregnant in those situations. I can’t be around kids sometimes, and I hate that, because I love kids, but it just hurts. It’s just a reminder that I don’t have them, I have no idea why, and then on top of it the process seems so slow. I know others out there have had longer to deal with this, or have miscarriages, or have lost children when they’re born.
I like to think of myself as a strong person that has been through a lot, and been successful, and barged through, and made it, and carved things out for myself. But not being able to have kids has just knocked me down, knocks the wind out of me, makes me feel miserable and like a failure and as if it’s all my fault. I don’t want to see people, I don’t want to see moms with babies, I don’t want to hear your birth story, and I am a bawling mess. I hate myself when I am like this — some days I am strong and I keep focused on adopting and I think about our future children and how much fun they will be — but some days I hate everyone that has kids and I don’t want to be around people. I know people don’t mean it, but I feel like it’s being rubbed in my face, and so I need to go away by myself and cry and pray for a while, and then I’m better. It’s just a bad day. I have to have faith that it will get better, and we’ll get through, but I hate myself when I’m like this.
It’s like I turn into the Evil Infertility Monster or Debbie Downer or something, I am angry, crying, sad, and I don’t want to be happy. But I know it’s a bad day, I’ve had them before and gotten through them, I’ll probably have them some more and get through them, but today it feels like it’s the end of the world, and I would rather cry and be by myself than be reminded of what I don’t have.
