Dreaming about my children
I go through periods where I have reoccurring dreams. Sometimes they are nightmares, sometimes they aren’t. I have one dream over and over that a tornado is coming to my farmhouse in Illinois.
Lately, though, I have been dreaming about what our children will look like.
You would think that, being pale as my husband and I both are, that I would dream of having blonde haired, blue eyed children. Well, that’s not how it is. When I imagine my children, I imagine a group of 3-5 Hispanic/African American/Unspecified-race-children- of-color. Is that strange? Sometimes I dream that there has been a group of kids whose parents have died and we need to take them all (but at least one of them is a baby) and I’ve had other dreams where there are twins or triplets that need a good home. However, never in these dreams have these children been white. I don’t know if that’s because I associate adopting with adopting a child that doesn’t look like us or if I just really want to adopt a child of color. I am not opposed to adopting a white child, but that is not how I imagine my kids in these dreams. I also never dream about one kid, I dream about us adopting a group of kids at once. (Which is weird, since we’re traveling down the path of adopting an infant)
I was talking to my husband today about adopting children of a different race on the way to work. I brought up the fact that if we adopt a child of another race I am concerned that we will need to go to counseling to help us raise an adopted child who might face racism. My husband brought up a good point: all of us will face difficult obstacles in our lives, some of which may not have anything to do with race at all. However, I just worry about that sort of thing. I grew up in a small town with all white people and some of them were pretty closed minded. Various family members have made some comments about race that worry me. No one else in the family on either side has adopted, so that would be a new experience.
I would hope when we adopt that friends and family would accept these children as ours, because that is the way that we will look at them. I know the insensitive comments will come (as they already have about infertility) and I must be prepared. I just don’t know how I would handle it if my child had to deal with racism, or looking different from his/her parents, or looking different than most of the kids in school. I know this is a long way off in our future, and I don’t want to treat everyone and push people away expecting that they’re not going to accept our children. I just worry about these sorts of things because no one in our immediate group of friends or in our family has had to adopt, so it really does feel like jumping off a cliff into the unknown. You don’t know how people will react. You feel a lot of guilt regarding the whole thing…like “if I wouldn’t have done this or that, I could get pregnant.” Or, people tell you those things, maybe not directly, but they say “Since you did or didn’t do such and such, now you can’t get pregnant.”
To be honest, I think that is a bunch of bunk. I have made some mistakes in my life, and I will continue to make mistakes, and the only One that I can depend on is Jesus. This has been the most frustrating part : I got on FMLA leave from work expecting to go through surgeries, procedures, etc. But to go to a Fertility clinic and be told that you and your husband are fine, that they can’t find anything wrong, is nuts. To get tested by an endocrinologist and have them send you a letter that says “we can’t find anything to treat this” is not what I was prepared for. I was prepared to have messed up fallopian tubes or no eggs or something.
However, everything is fine. We know people that have done invitro and had success, and I am very grateful for those folks that InVitro has worked. For my husband and I, we have decided to not do anything invasive. If we are going to spend that type of money, we are going to spend it on adoption. Everyone has a different path they decide to take. However, I don’t want to go through hormone treatments, artificial insemination, etc. etc. etc. and THEN after all that decide to adopt. We’ve decided that we are going to skip that “final step” and go right to adoption. That is our choice, no one else’s, and we are happy with that choice.
Posted by: DramaQueen | 05-12-2007 | 06:05 PM
Posted in: Waiting | Our future kids
I can’t wait to see the kids God has for you. A sibling group was one of the first things my husband and I immediately agreed on when we decided to pursue adoption. I think I knew in my heart, even way back then, that God had siblings for us in mind. Look where we ended up. Whatever child or children God has for you - He will give you exactly what you need to raise them and care for them in any community.
I’ve been mostly lurking for awhile, but I wanted to encourage you. My husband and I are going throught similar decisions about IVF/adoption stuff, and definitely plan to adopt at some point. I’m also the oldest of 8 kids, and all of my siblings are adopted. My family has kids who are black, white, asian, or some combination. I think transracial adoption is definitely a good thing! It is something my hubby and I are definitely open to, and basically counting on =) We definitely have an advantage that our kids will have aunts and uncles who have been through the same situation!
I do also encourage you to talk to others who have adopted transracially, and find some good books about it. Really think everything through. The transracial stuff does add extra issues on top of the standard things with adoption. One of the things in my mind the most lately is that with transracial adoption, it is obvious at first glance that the kids are adopted. They will never be able to just ignore that question, since it will be fairly obvious to everyone that they are adopted. It does give opportunities to talk about God’s blessing through adoption, though. Following God’s leading never guarantees a life of fitting in =)
With everything, keep praying that God will lead you to the kids he has picked out for you! Whoever they are, and whatever issues come up, God’s plan is perfect. That’s something I’ve been very much struggling with/learning, as we wait (im)patiently for God’s timing for our family.
I’m from a mixed race family. My sister is a freckle faced redhead and I have brown skin and hair. The race issues that come up in mixed race adoptions are sometimes issues that children of mixed heritage face. I realise it’s a little more complicated for adoptive families but my point is that race issues for kids aren’t necessarily adoption issues. I guess what I’m really trying to say is that it’s wonderful that you’re thinking in advance about what kind of kids you might have and what kind of issues they might face. I wish my folks had thought about how race affected us (they never gave it a moment’s thought). I didn’t realise there was counseling for mixed race parents. Are there books? If you get any recommendations, please blog about it.
I grew up in a small town as well and my own parents are some of those narrow-minded people, although they’re getting a bit better at masking it as we (their 5 kids) correct them on their rude comments.
We had every intention of considering a Hispanic child (my husband and I are both white) for our first adoption and it’s just happenstance that our son, that we adopted as a newborn is Caucasian, blond, & blue-eyed. I envision a dark-haired, dark-eyed, & dark skinned little girl for our next adoption. We’ll see what happens.
Like you, we could’ve gone through some extreme measures to have a biological child (artificial insemination with my younger sister as a surrogate) but we decided we weren’t comfortable with those extreme measures. We skipped straight to adoption and I’m so thankful that we did! I can’t imagine life without our son. He is the beloved light and energy of our family!
Best of luck to you and your husband on your adoption journey!