I’ve been wanting to change around my template, so my husband helped me upgrade things. It may take a little while for me to decide exactly what the final product will be here, so thank you for your patience.
Only my husband knows this about me. One of my favorite places to go to think
and be quiet is a….wait for it….cemetery.
Now I’m not morbid, and I don’t go there dressed as a goth girl. I just go to cemeteries because I don’t listen to the radio or look at my phone (I think it’s disrespectful); I walk among the stones, looking at the different designs, reading loved ones’ inscriptions, mourning with the families of children lost too soon, and marveling at the care of fresh flowers placed at the headstone of someone who’s been dead for 54 years.
Who has been here to remember someone gone 54 years, when the graves of this person’s contemporaries sit neglected and overgrown? Is it a child, or a grandchild, that remembers this person? Or a grandchild fulfilling a parent’s wish to keep the grave maintained? Is it a distant relative, that just found this person on findagrave.com, and as they snapped grave photos to add to the site, they paid respects with fresh flowers?
There are gravestones that look like any other. Pink marble, red marble, gray marble Black gravestones seem to be in fashion right now; black with laser etching of sayings, ranging from “gone fishin’ ” to “Asleep in Jesus” to “We miss you Mama.” These black, shiny, laser stones also tend to have a special photo etched into it – a rainbow trout, detailed praying hands, or a life-like photo from a wedding day.
Where as graves from 20′s, 30′s, look as if the family members were charged by the letter. “Bby Smith. dau. of Wm & Sa” or 1 large tombstone proclaiming “Johnson” with little tombstones nearly
swallowed by the earth, proclaiming, simply, “Mother” “Daughter” “Father” “Son”.
I have been depressed the past few months. I haven’t wanted to admit it. I have finally reached out to Stephen’s Minister at church to help work through my feelings.
Josh was outside playing in the backyard tonight by himself and it made me so so sad. I don’t know if we can afford to adopt a sibling for him. His adoption was relatively easy and inexpensive. In looking at other agencies, and adoptions that have some legal risks, the costs can be far more than what we have.
I feel guilty for feeling sad because I am happy to have Josh and I have lots of friends waiting in that awful time for their first child.
Infertility isn’t fair. I hate it.
Having a difficult time – as Joshua reached 2, I’ve really wanted a second child. It seems so unfair that having kids is so easy for others.
I’ve been meeting with a Stephens Minister from church; she gave me a book “hannahs hope”. I want to read it but don’t have the will yet.
I haven’t blogged in a long, long time. Mostly, I’ve been happy and busy being a working mom. Since our son turned two, I’ve really had the urge to adopt again. However, I feel depressed and upset when I think about the cost. The cost didn’t bother me as much the first time around…so I guess it must be the fact that I’ve seen how much it takes to not only adopt a child but the money involved to raise a child. Our first agency was fine, but they don’t have very good follow up. I’ve emailed the social worker twice to update our home study, and I don’t even get an email back, so I’m done. The other agencies we would like to use don’t have fees of $8000 like our first agency, they’re $15000. It just makes me nuts.
Also, about a week ago, I swore I was pregnant. I would’ve bet $500 on it. I was late, I was acting strange and couldn’t think straight, I wanted to eat weird things. There was a blissful two week period.
But I wasn’t pregnant. Between that and the fact that a second adoption is going to be expensive, I’ve not felt myself. I sent some emails today at work that were not my style. I didn’t get in big trouble, but my boss asked what was wrong. I am just so numb – normally, I’d cry and be upset. I can’t even cry. I just said ”I’ve been upset about not getting pregnant and the finances for a second adoption.” He told me to go home and do something to make myself feel better. So here I am, blogging.
I’ve also started meeting with a Stephens Minister from church, and I hope that will help, to be able to talk to someone about it. I’ve never felt despondent or lost the way I have been the past few weeks. Even though next week at work is going to be crazy, I am very excited to have the longer hours to keep my mind off of things. I love my son. I love my husband. I have great family and friends. It just makes me sad when I think of trying to get Joshua a younger sibling, just what a big, uphill, tough battle it seems to be.
‘What a difference it makes to come home to a child’ is the Adoptive Families tagline. I think Mother’s Day & Father’s Day are the hardest days for infertile couples. Our church is having a special Mother’s Day message for church on Sunday, and my first thought was ‘oh my, I hope there aren’t any couples struggling with infertility in the congregation’
However, it’s a broken world, and there will probably be struggling couples in church on Sunday. I pray for everyone who chooses adoption, treatment, or to be childless, that you can still be mothers & fathers, and make a difference to kids around you. I hope you celebrate those around you that’ve mothered you and you make it through the day.
A friend is in the midst of a contested adoption; it’s contested by the biological dad. I won’t post details for their privacy, but contested adoptions and unfulfilled adoptions are some of the landmines that can hit a family when adopting domestically.
As time has gone on, I realize more & more how relatively quick & free of drama our son’s adoption was. His biological mother wanted a closed adoption, and we just send her best friend photos of him. (which I need to give her an update ). No one contested; and so I thought all adoptions were as easy as ours. It is hard as we think about adopting a second time and it’s made us a little wary of everything that can go wrong.
We know that God is in charge of everything, but this wariness is tempered with our age. When I hit 33 earlier this month, my first thought was “wow, a lot of countries won’t let you adopt babies after you’re 35″. I feel the press of time and this sense of urgency, especially if we go through an adoption that doesn’t go as planned and we have to start all over.
pray for my friend dealing in this contested adoption.
I realized I hadn’t made any 2009 lists…so here we go! A lot of these books I read as part of my work’s book club- fun group of folks. here’s to hoping 2010 gets less crazy so I get to participate more!!
titles:
Extremely loud & incredibly close
Water for Elephants
The Book Thief
pillars of the earth & world without end
worst(but yet most hilaious movie):
twilight.
I’m out !
Tonight was our first small group with members of our new church, Olathe Bible. Everyone was very nice and next week will be the luncheon where we learn more about the Church and if we want to join. I think that we will, unless something strange comes up. Big churches are great- there is usually always childcare for events and lots of activities. However, it’s easy to get ‘lost’ in a big church, so it’s important to get connected in a smaller group to meet others.
Donald and I have felt kind of lonely; a lot of our friends had moved away, and Donald’s work schedule prevents us from participating in a lot of things. I am very very hopeful for his job interview tomorrow- it’s a job at the same company with better hours and more opportunity for advancement.
So, the title if this post is Joshy’s personality. Well, tonight we took Josh to a separate house that was hosting childcare for our small group. Donald and I were worried that Josh would be upset when we left. As we were trying to sneak out, he waved at us saying loudly ‘bye!! bye!!’. and then kept playing.
Later at the study, one of the other dads said Josh was a very sweet boy, that he just ran right up to him and gave him a big hug.
What a great kid. we’re so lucky he’s ours.
Feel like the evil bedtime Nazi. Josh has to sleep in his own bed or I’m going to lose my mind and be bruised all over; he’s lately gotten into pulling my hair and kicking me. Spent 2:30am till now comforting him in his room and he’s asleep in his bed. When he wakes up I gotta take him right back to bed. What’s keeping me from losing it is I’ve decided if I don’t give in and I put him back to bed all night I get to buy myself Starbucks the next day. Operation Caffeinated Mama has begun!!